Brother can you spare a dollar?

I got my agency bill yesterday and I quickly closed the email. Took a deep breath and realized that I knew I would be getting it, I just didn't know I would be getting it before Christmas. Merry Christmas! I should be getting my home study so I can file the I-600A paperwork. The filing fee has gone up since my application..thanks to the Federal Government. I have to pay $830.00 for the Immigration office to fingerprint us to file a one page application. I know it is one step closer to my baby, but it is also one step closer to being completely insanely "tapped" out. Many adoptive parents don't discuss the cost associated with adoption but I feel that people should be made aware of how much of a financial commitment this really is. I'm already setting myself up to work weekends nights while I am on FMLA, I'll be exhausting my vacation time and praying that co-workers have hours they would be willing to donate. Things are beginning to feel very real tight now and I am not gonna lie, I'm going to borrow funds with the intent of paying them back during our "wait."

I go to bed at night and pray that my friends will step it up, help me in a time of need. L and I have planned so many benefits for our friends and donated so much time to other causes, I hope and pray that God will lend us some light. I spent a day at the homeless shelter talking to families that truly know what it feels to be down and out and I have nothing to complain about compared to their situations. My husband asked me today "if we were getting in over our heads." I handle all the financial aspects of our family and I actually had to think, is my vision so focused on the end result that I will do anything possible to acheive it and by doing so am I skewing my reality? Can I really afford this?

My mind is telling me YOU CAN DO THIS, I have never been one to accept NO as the final answer and being unable to give birth to another child was no enough that I'm not willing to let something as material as $ stop me. Although, I still have to find it. Maybe I have a long lost rich relative that is willing to help me, if your out there...I'm right here.

So enough of the sad story stuff, it is coming to be Thanksgiving and I do have much to be thankful for, I have a job, dh has a job, we are officially waiting for a referral, ds made the honor roll and I know if my heart this will all work out. The agency has gone through our finances and they approved us so it can't just be me that believes. But next week I will be writing the check...the second bigger one....the one for over 7K to the agency and trying to find the $830, I am short for our fingerprints. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated!

Clearance!

We got the clearance and the official word! We are now able to file our I-600A, immigration fingerprinting paperwork. So I just need to write a check for $830 to the United States Immigration Office and wait for them to notify me of the date/time to do the fingerprints. Once that is done--everything on our end is DONE! We just wait for our baby to be matched with us!

I am getting super excited and can't believe that this seems to be happening for us! Years of trying to have a baby and now we are one step closer. Thanksgiving is going to truly be wonderful this year. I'll be placing an ornament on our tree this year in honor of our baby that will be coming into our arms next year. On April 19th 2005 I experienced my first miscarriage as we come upon our fourth anniversary of our 1st lost that changed me forever, I have something of a renewed hope to look forward to.

I'm praying to god that he our she finds us soon. We are waiting for you will open hearts and lots of love.

Letting go of Control

When I chose adoption I knew I would have to learn how to let go of control. I'll admit I am a person that likes to be in control. It doesn't help that I am currently writing my senior thesis, taking three classes and working full-time. Saturdays are devoted to my son's basketball games and Sunday is generally "cleaning" day. It's really the only day I can devote to my house. Working and class for over 12 hours a day is really starting to burn me out. Thank goodness December 10th is almost here! This will be the end of the madness since I am taking 2 online classes next semester and then I will be done. Well I do have my "Research Methods" class in summer but that is 6weeks and it is not a big deal. I AM GRADUATING IN MAY! It has been a long time coming but I have finally done this! I'll have my second degree and feel the sense of accomplishment I have been longing for.

The part that I am having the most difficult time with is the WAITING for my SOCIAL WORKER to write my homestudy. This part is driving me crazy. I know it is a lot of work but our last meeting was October 17th and it is November 7th today and I still have not heard from her. She gave us our verbal approval but I'm not on the list until it is written up. Apparently, she has to do the agency newletter and once this is done she will then do my homestudy. She PROMISED we would be on the list this month. It just breaks my heart to see families pass us on the list even after they started after us. But I guess this is the control I have to let go. I'm told that the Korean program does not have a lot of families going on the list so it shouldn't be a big deal or extend our time. I'm not sure I believe that since I have found lots of families online that are using the same agency for the Korean program. Seems like lots of families are requesting a girl as well. Breathe! I tell myself, Relax...I have no control and my child will be selected by God when the time is right...They say 7-9mths wait time for referral. I still wishing for a 2009 baby.

Now find the silver lining right..Yes, the silver lining is that I will have more time to save $ and pay even more of the adoption expenses out of pocket instead of depleting my home equity loan. This is the silver lining and I am okay with waiting, I just want to be waiting on the list. I have my USCIS paperwork filled out, signed and waiting to send my homestudy in so we can do our fingerprinting...but I need the HOMESTUDY! Someone give me some words of wisdom here and remind me to LET GO OF THE CONTROL.

I guess after so many IF treatments letting go is not as easy as I thought. I like doing the paperwork and sending my pieces in to the agency and since I have nothing else to send it I am finding that the wait is harder then I imagined.

Birth Control pills are not helping either...Imagine the irony of an infertile having to take birth control...now that is funny.