Has it really been 6 Months???

Happy Six months to my little baby boy! I love you so much peanut cheeks!

December Update

I'm going to probably leave this blog pretty blank and celebrate just my kids beautiful pictures. December was a rough one for me and I had to have a little surgery. Someday I will tell the story but for now I am just going to stare at my little men's faces.

Life as we know it...

We are plugging along nicely. The routine has been set and we are off and running. I am working fulltime, we have daycare two days a week and one day the kids spend with my Mom at her house. It seems to work well but the cost of having two in daycare is still daunting.
Dh has a nice contract that appears to be dependant on the Congressional Super Commitee balancing the budget. It's likely the funding for the program my husband is involved with will be cut..another slam to the middle class working folks! I wish our government would see the value of small businesses growing and flourishing over large corprate mongruls. I have a coworker that seems very interested in my financial situation and I am not going to let it be know that our world may be rocked in 2012. Nope! I'm going to stay ahead of the game and get on the advertising for building his client list. Makes my job even more important but honestly, I don't really care. I just want to love and hug on my babies and I see friends of mine who are SAHM who have husbands that own business that are making it just fine. Yes, we do like the finer things in life but honestly we have lots of things we could CUT out and be just fine. I can shop at the farmers market, I can can and freeze food to cut our grocery bill. I am already an extreme coupon shopper saving over 40-50 each trip and only needing to spend $200 a month on groceries. We could do it but right now we don't have to do it so it is what it is..

The boys are doing great and I can't believe that today my little one is 4 months old. I WISH I could go back to the labor and delivery room and do it all over again..it was that magical and that special to me that I would do it 100 more times! I'm also getting the baby itch and dh was ready to fulfill that wish the other day until I talked him out of it..it's pure madness to think we should have another baby not to mention it's super irrisponsible. So for a while here we just keep plugging along.

Lucky

He doesn't know how lucky he is. I cried this morning getting my things ready for work. I'm into my second week and dh exclaimed that he is not liking this arrangement. I proclaimed to him, "I would give my left arm to be with the kids 4 days a week" Two days are solo and two days are weekends and I am home. I told him you are so lucky..you get to change them, play with them and bond with them. He told me that he can tell Jaxon misses me and my heart broke. I've decided to take over the night feedings, even when having to work as dh is just "too exhausted" this is what I get for marrying someone that is 11 years older than me.

I'm so torn, I wish I didn't make so much money or didn't carry all our health benefits. I wish I could stay home with my babies. I wish I could teach them their colors and alphabet..I wish I wish I wish. But instead I put on a smile and put on my suit, grab my coffee, kiss my kids goodbye and know I will see them at 6:30. All the while dh is playing "Little Einstein's" and sitting on the couch cuddling the baby. I pretend I am not jealous but the truth is I AM! In our marriage dh has had so many jobs..and finally we realized that his problem with authority would be better suited if he just opened up his own business. Well, I helped with that too. I built the website, signed the papers, got the merchant account set up and contacted clients. Filled out a resume and proposal for a large contract through the state (which we got btw) and busted my arse to make sure he was successfull and could still provide for our family. Two years later he is making a pretty good living after all expenses last year we went from making a 7K profit to 39K and things look even better this year. But still I am angry that he complains that he doesn't like staying home two days with a 2 year old and a 3.5 month old. I refuse to put my kids in daycare for 5 days just so he can have his sanity. I don't expect dh to multi task like me as I just gifted that way..but do expect that he would treat his time with our kids as special, amazing and a chance in a lifetime. Instead I am left wondering is today the day that he loses his patience? Dh's band broke up recently and I can tell he is a bit down about that..he has stopped going to yoga after paying $250 to go and he just wants to sleep when I get home from work. Depression? I don't know but I do know that it's time for a talk..it's time for him to realize that he is LUCKY..he is oh so LUCKY! I would give up everything to have those days...I really would but the sacrifice would be too great for me to quit working. So yeah, I am having a problem with being back to work. I am starting to lose interest and wishing that I could work part time (not an option at my instituition).

But for today, I rejoice in the fact that I am going back to Church to connect to God agian, I am wishing to live each day in the moment and to snuggle my babies every chance I get. I am not losing any minute of the gifts I was given. I am and will be the best Mom I can be.

I will let go of cleaning the house, getting mad the laundry is a mile high, or that rooms are a mess..instead I will cuddle my babies after I put in my FULL day of work.

What's New

It's been awhile since I have blogged..or had the time to blog but so much has been happening in our beautiful little family. Jaxon is 9 weeks old and although Joseph was not all that thrilled to have a little brother he has adjusted beautifully! He loves his little "Deet Deet" as he calls him. Jaxon is such a wondeful blessing and a really easy going baby. He slept through the night last night and I just love watching him. He has started to Coo and smiles at me. He also turns his head when he hears my voice and has rolled over twice from his belly to his back.

He is amazing and I am so in love. I've talked with Dh about how wonderful and textbook his pregnancy and delivery was and I've mustered up enough courage to tell him that I really don't feel "done" with having kids. He of course feels complete and loves that we can now focus on raising and playing with our kids. But he did say let's see where we are at in a couple of years..I'm hoping by 34 I will be pregnant again :) We'll see! Jaxon was a huge surprse as I thought my body had just given up and I couldn't get pregnant. I noticed though when Joseph came home I was mentally in a better place and was very at peace with where I was at and I think this had a huge impact on my ability to let go and in turn we ended up pregnant.

The strangest thing throughout my pregnancy was that people really could't or wouldn't "See" me as pregnant. Although I clearly had a baby belly it didn't register to them that I was expecting because of Joe's adoption. Made me sad that most of society believes a person adopts because they "can't" have children, when in fact everyone's story is a bit different and more complicated then that. I go back to work in 3 weeks and I am DREADING it. I love being home and I have a nice routine but finacially we just can't swing it. I've been getting paid this whole time and it's a good things because it made me realize that we can't make it on one income just yet. Dh has become accustom to a lifestyle that he won't change. I have to admit my marriage is much better and I feel like dh is much more involved and caring. He fell in love with Jax and in turn he has adjusted his schedule to be more hands on. I've loving seeing him with his boys more now!

My oldest is 12 aleady! Christian is amazingly smart and talented I feel so lucky that he is such a good big brother. He has really helped me out when things seem to be a bit chaotic! He is also the quarterback of his football team and I am so proud to see him in that position!

Our days are spent running to football games, playing outside, having picnics and enjoying these miracles that we were given! These last two years of my life have been so amazing and I am thankful everyday that my journey has ended in bliss and that I am no longer in a place of darkness and despair. It's so hard when you want something so bad and yet you have no control over it! I will always be aware of our struggles to get here and our losses along the way. I pray each night for those out there that are where I was three years ago! I will never forget what it was like and will always have a place in my heart for those that are trying to conceive and having difficulty. I've added a few pictures of my beautiful babies and my mother in law who spent two weeks with us. She lives in Colorodo and we miss her so much!

Jaxon Charles Birth Story

Born 7/20

I am finally getting around to posting his birth story. Let's just say it was a fantastic birth. I was scheduled on 7/19 for an elective induction. I was 42 weeks over with my first and with Jaxon it was determined since we were sure of his gestational age we would do an induction close to 40 weeks. I was 39 weeks 4 days pregnant when I went to the hospital. I had not been checked at any of my prenatal appointments so..I had no idea where I was starting at. I was checked by my Dr. before we started the induction and I was 0% effaced and 1 centimeter dialated. It looks like my body was no where near starting just like my first baby. Dr. decided to try 25mg of Cytotec to soften my cervix and see where things went from here. I asked not to have pictocin until medically necessary since I felt my body could do this with just a jump start.

Cytotec started working right away. I was contracting every 2-3 minutes and they honestly were not bad at all. I walked the halls, used the yoga ball and took a spa bath to help ease through the contractions. At 11:00 a.m I was checked again and I was at 2 centimeters and 40% effacement! Progress..just not as much as I had hoped. We did another 25mg and Dr came back at 3:00 p.m. Checked me and I was still between a 2 and 3. This time the midwife was the one to check me and she decided to strip my membranes....this is the part that hurt like heck! So I labored for a bit and at 6p.m. I was still at 3 centimeters we decided to try some pictocin to move my stalled labor. I did pictocin until 9:00 p.m. and was checked one last time by my Dr. This was decision point. I was still at a 3...and I remember saying "DAMN." The Dr. gave me a choice to just stop the pictocin and get some rest and we would try again in the morning OR to break my water and I would labor throughout the night and maybe have him in the early hours. My Dr. had been in surgeries almost all day and I could tell he was a bit exhausted so I chose to just stop the pictocin, get some rest and start again at 6 am on 7/20.

The morning of 7/20 baby was still looking perfect on all the monitors and we started pictocin again. I asked when the Dr. would come in and check me and my nurse said she would check with her. Finally atg 11 am the Dr. came in and checked me. I was still at 3 but my water was bulging. I asked the Dr. to break my water so get things going. She broke my water and at the same time I asked to have my epidural. Before my epi could be placed I had to have 500ml of fluid. It took about an hour for the fluid to go through my IV and this by far was the most painful part of labor. I had the labor shakes..my husband kept asking if I was cold and I told him "no" it was just what happens when your body transitions. My Mom wanted to be there for the birth so she was at her office working down the road and told me to call her when I was at 5 centimeters and she would come to the hospital. At 2:00 p.m. my epidural was placed and labor was so much better :) We learned that the baby was posterior (face up) so I had to change positions to try and get him to turn.

At about 3:00 p.m. I asked my husband to page the nurse because I was feeling some pressure. She came in and asked me what kind of pressure and I told her that it was vaginal but also felt in my rectum...so I wanted to be checked. I was half tempted to put my own hand down there just to make sure the head was not coming out..because the pressure was pretty strong. The nurse went on a hunt for the Dr. and I paged her 2 minutes later and said someone really needs to check me because I feel like I could push. She (nurse) said can I check you? I said sure I just want to make sure my baby is not coming out..lol. She checked me and once she put her hand in a bit her face said it all..the BABY was RIGHT THERE. She gave a big thumbs up and I told my husband to call my Mom. He fumbled with is phone and couldn't find her number so I picked up my cell and called her..said get here now I feel pressure.

Next thing I know there were lots of people in the room and the Dr. flew in. My bed was being torn apart nurses coming in left and right
and it seemed a bit chaotic..lol. I was able to take a pre-pushing picture with my husband and I gave two practice pushes and knew he was going to come out. I hoped that my Mom would make it but at this point I couldn't hold back anymore. All of a sudden we heard a knock on the door and in flew my Mom. I gave two more pushes and out came Jaxon Charles ..7lbs 10 oz and perfect. He is amazing and calm and so strong can hold his head up already. We are so in love! Honestly, labor was so much easier than it was with my oldest. I felt more in control and calm during the whole thing. My nurse Cindy shift ended at 3 p.m. but she wanted to stay and get this boy born. She by far was the best nurse I had during my whole time there! My labor was so fantastic I would do it all over again. It's even left me with the idea that perhaps Dh and I could add another baby in a couple of years :) But then again Dh is saying he is done :)

Introducing Jaxon Charles!!

He's here!

Born 7/20/11
7lbs 10oz
3:12 p.m.
20.5 inches long!

I am so in love! I'm still at the hospital but will come and write my birth story!

Enjoy the pic!