Tuesday, July 10, 2012

It's everything I could have dreamed...

As the days creep closer to the one year mark, I find myself day dreaming and reflecting about this time last year, this time the year before and so on and so fourth. This time 7 years ago, I was mourning the loss of my second pregnancy, I was falling into a deep depression over what that baby might have looked like and angry at God for allowing it to happen to me. Constantly asking WHY? And failing to be the Mother my then 6 year old son desperately needed.  I'm angry at myself for not seeing the good in my life and losing that precious time.  I'm thankful for going through everything I have gone through in the last 7 years because it has made me stronger, wiser and more empathetic to women who suffer a loss or who are struggling to conceive.  I understand their pain and feel their hurt and know that the desire to have a child sometimes is so powerful that we lose sight of who we are.

5 years ago I was embarking on my first round of fertility treatments, traveling 2.5hrs one way just for a glimmer of hope.  Embarking on three cycles that would all turned out to be nothing but a waste of time and money.  Sadly, every IUI we attempted resulted in negative test results or BFNs as known in the trying to conceive community.  I was vigorously charting, talking alfalfa supplements using preseed, eating and Egg McMuffin after receiving my IUI (it is believed that the fat content helps with implantation):rolling eyes: anything that I thought would GET me pregnant.  I was desperate for another child and NOTHING mattered.  I even quit school delaying my Bachelor's degree even further because I couldn't focus on anything else.  My husband often jokes that he was made to feel like a sperm bank, I told him when, where and how he was to do the deed..and he dare not say, "I'm tired" as that would have probably been the end of his existence.

Three years ago, I decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH..I can't live this way and we chose to embark on what we believed our final journey to add to our family.  We ventured into the world of International Adoption..this is where the inception of this blog began.  We rode the wonderful adoption roller coaster ups and downs for two years..but in the along the way we had the HOPE I was desperately searching for, not just the luck we thought we needed.  In the end we were brought together with a little hope, a lot of hard work and some divine miracle that lead us to our beautiful Korean boy.  It was the celebration of his adoption and the finalization of that process that lead us to our next journey....During the month of our finalization we became pregnant with our third little charmer.

Last year at this time, I was anticipating the arrival of a miracle I never thought was possible.  I am not going to lie, I worried the whole pregnancy that something would and could go wrong.  But I could not have dreamt up a better labor and delivery story if I wanted to.  The beauty and joy I received from being pregnant this last time can't really be explained in words.  What I do know is I cherished every moment, even the times I was having morning sickness in my 6th month.  I knew that I could not take anything for granted and that each day I was pregnant no matter what aches and pains came along with it, I was going to savor every waking moment.  The delivery was just as spectacular, I was calm, relaxed and although my son had to be evicted with a voluntary induction at 39weeks and 5days, he entered into this world in a peaceful, es tactic and wondrous way.  A moment I will forever cherish as it is likely to be my last.

So, as I creep closer..the oldest has turned 13 now, my Korean prince has turned 3 and my baby will be 1...I can't help but reflect back on where I was and how far I have come.  My life has changed so quickly and it's everything that I could have dreamed it to be.  Seven years ago, I didn't know what tomorrow was going to bring and never would I or could I imagin that I would have three amazing kids today.  I've wondered to myself when I might choose to archive this blog.  The journey appears to be different now and as one chapter begins to close a new one begins to open.  I have since completed my Bachelors Degree and will be embarking on my first Masters Degree course this fall.  In the end, I guess it really does work out and it's all in God's timing.  I hope that this blog provides support to someone out there who is feeling lost, and dreaming of what could be..because in the end, it's really the HOPE that got me through it all...


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