Unknown..

I've decided not to title this post because I really don't know what exactly I would title it. I feel like my life is falling apart. Like I am losing grip on everything or that things are spiraling out of control. I'm one person and being pulled in so many directions. My amazing son, Christian is entering some kind of tween stage (Puberty?) and he is just not the same. He is more into his texting, Ipod than even spending quality time with his family. He seems so withdrawn and combative. I ask him to do something and he won't, he fights me on simple things like helping carry his clothes upstairs to be put away. I'm very careful not to ask him too much to help with Joseph..with getting a diaper, or sippy cup but being that I am 8mths pregnant it's hard to get up and down with a toddler on my lab. I know that Dh has been doing the same thing. Dh has GOT to step it up..it's annoying that he thinks he can still have the same lifestyle as we had when we had one kid..playing music shows, late nights, little sleep and trying to care for a toddler during the day. I try to be empathetic but it's really just turning into frustration and anger. I'm feeling like I blame him for the changes in our kids that I see. Joseph is at the terrible two's no doubt! We have to have consistant parenting with him, meaning that he has to SLEEP in his own room for atleast part of the night--he can't throw as temper tantrum and get away with throwing and hitting things. He needs constant reassurance that I am going to come home. He gets so upset every morning when I have to get up for work..throws a fit and then gets over it. I'm always careful to say goodbye, I love you and I will be home in a bit. I understand he has no linear knowledge of time so if Dh would keep him occupied throughout the day..instead of just letting him run the house..maybe he wouldn't feel the need to be so clingy when I get home.

The worst part is that I am exhausted after putting in a 9hr day, coming home and being attentive to my kids. Reading books, doing homework, making dinner at this time it's probably close to 8:30. I finally am able to sit down--tried to watch a movie with oldest son last night Harry Potter and fell asleep. He woke me up at 9:40and we decided it was time for bed. I feel spent and guilty because I can't do it all. How the hell am I going to manage this with three kids..a newborn, a high needs toddler, and a 12 year old that is just getting used to sharing me.

I want to so enjoy my pregnancy..baby kicks and baby hiccups! I don't want to be tired and crabby. I want to be treated like a queen, what happened to foot rubs, back rubs, I had to beg to get time to have my hair cut. I need a pedicure and want a massage too..but again feel guilty for wanting to do something for me.

Okay so this rant post made me feel a bit better but again it will probably all start over again tomorrow. It's nice to have an outlet though so atleast I can feel like some of this is getting off my chest.

Thanks,
Jackie

30 Weeks!

I'm 30 weeks today and baby boy is weighing in at an impressive 3 pounds 13 oz! Blood pressure was great 120/80 and I am up a total of 11 pounds! I will get another u/s in 4 weeks to check to see how large he is. I finally got to see his little face even though he was hiding behind his arm.

I saw his feet too! So glad I had the good u/s tech yesterday! All in all the baby is doing great. He is still in a breech position but they tell me he has a lot of time to turn and move head down..at least 25% of babies at this point have not turned so I figure he is just stubborn like his mother. I'm still saying a he even though Sandy didn't check again yesterday and the first u/s tech was "so-so" but I feel comfortable calling him a boy..I'm carrying the same as I did with Christian.

Crazy how fast this pregnancy has flow by..I know a lot has to do with the fact that I was so disconnected for the first few months because I didn't want to have a broken heart. I'm so thankful to be where I am now and that I am in the home stretch..I'm still nervous of course but each day we get closer to full term the better I feel about him coming into this world safely. I'm even fine with having a c-section if he continues to be breeched. I just want whats best for this little man and can't wait until he arrives.

29 Weeks! We've got a big one :)

I'm actually 29 weeks and 6 days but I'm rounding ahead and saying 30 weeks especially after today's u/s. Baby is measuring around 32 weeks and weigh 3lbs 13oz..So he is in the 77 percentile. Dr. Wright said he's a big but they are not too concerned yet as he isn't in the 90th percentile. It was enough for him to say that he wants me to have another u/s around 34 or 36 weeks to check to see how big this baby is getting.

I instantly had lots of questions, he's breeched..when will he turn? If he gets too big will they induce? Nope, they don't induce based on size so he could be a 9 or 10pounder if he continues to gain 1/2 pund each week. I'm up a total of 11 pounds this pregnancy and I'm saying half of that is directly related to my fluid, placenta, and the babies weight. The count down is really on now..10 weeks and baby boy is a good size already (almost 4lbs..I'm still in shock)

I feel great and although I feel like my bump is tiny everything is measuring the way it should..my due date won't be adjusted so in 10 weeks a new baby will be here since I have been promised that I won't go overdue. I had some great pictures today as the baby finally cooperated and I was able to see his profile, foot and 3-D of his face. He still likes to keep his arm over his face though. My BP was PERFECT at 120/80..what a relief that is! I always worry about how my BP will be as it really depends on the nurse taking it. I'll add pictures when I get a chance. I just need to scan them.

Baby J will be here in no time. Time to take a new belly picture.

29 weeks 3 days

Today I am 29 weeks and 3 days pregnant and boy am I starting to feel it. I've realized that I easily am out of breath even when I speak..apparently baby boy likes to put pressure on my diaphram. I'm up 9lbs total this pregnancy and I feel huge already. Even though people will say you look great and don't even look 7 months pregnant. I know this is meant to be a compliment but it really bothers me because either they think I have eaten a basketball or I am just fat..I have an obvious baby bump even when wearing non maternity shirts (which I can still fit--those ones with stretch anyway)

What I miss is being spoiled, I feel like my dh should be treating me like a princess instead I spent my mothers day fighting with kids, driving to 3 hardware stores and spending over 3 hours looking for the hardware to build the benches I wanted for my my deck with dh (since he is so very organized) and coming home with nothing but three bags of mulch that apparently I will be spreading later this evening. My dh even had the audacity to take a bubble bath downstairs for over an hour while I lay very pregnant upstairs fighting with my 2 year old that insisted it was time to eat. The worst part is that I can't sleep and there is no real space for me to move to sleep better..we have no extra room and no extra bed unless I want to climb up ds bunk bed and sleep on the top..so last night I slept in the couch which was very uncomfortable btw, because our toddler INSIST that he can't sleep through the night and needs to be in my bed..I just don't have the energy to fight with him and apparently dh is no help.

This post is whining, I understand that but I really want to get off my chest these things that are bothering me. Each morning I am late to work by 10 minutes because my husband can't seem to get motivated to get ds moving when I am in the shower..I'm really starting to get pissed off at him and I know a lot of my frustration is really because my hormones are going crazy but his lack of "caring" is irritating me. I told him I had to pack my hospital bag next week and he said, "Really?" Are you excited..and I replied "no, not really because I have no place to put this baby" he promptly cut me off and told me he didn't want to hear my negativity. Some how he thinks that my oldest son's room is going to magically remodel itself and that he
has all the time in the world to get the babies crib, room painted and things all in order. All the while I want to NEST..I have everything I need but want to wash baby clothing, set the room up and feel ready because given this is my second birthed child he may not wait until 40 weeks..I have a feeling he will be coming sooner..

So yes, this is a whining post and I apologize but I needed to vent...and I actually feel better after doing so. I'm looking forward to the fact that I have maybe 10.5 weeks to go and well my little bundle of love will be here soon. I can't wait to see him on Thursday on my u/s and hope that we get better pictures this time around since last time we did not have a very good tech as she was training.

I'll update after my Thursday appt.

26 weeks and 4 days

Today I am 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm still fearful that something will go wrong with this pregancy. I can't help but feel a bit robbed of the experience because I can't let go of the fear. This pregnancy has been nothing but normal and I have passed all tests with flying colors. My weight gain is low, my BP is great and I passed my GD test. I feel this little guy moving everyday and even though I have an anterior placenta I can still feel his little kicks and punches.

My ankles have started to swell a bit at night but only when I wear my heels at work. I've noticed I am more out of breath than normal but I know that has to do with him being so high and having less lung space to breathe. I can feel him right under my breasts so I know he is super high. I'm so in love with him already!

I've just started telling myself that it's okay to shop for him, I bought a co-sleeper and have bought a few clothes but nothing substanial yet. I feel sad because he is likely not to have his own room for awhile until dh and I start renovating the basement and making our master bedroom downstairs. This will leave all the kids upstairs..not ideal but necessary as our family expands. I have four kitchen table chairs and never thought we would need to add another. I feel blessed and can't wait to hold this little guy in my arms.

After next week I begin to see the Dr every two weeks and I have to pre-register with the hospital at around 28 weeks (so next week sometime) I've bought Joseph a baby to help him adjust to the idea of a baby coming home but I'm not sure he gets it. He does out his little baby in the pack and play but again he knows Mommy has a baby in her tummy but he doesn't understand that this baby will be coming out soon..in like 13 weeks soon!

I pray that my delivery is normal and that I can enjoy it. I have this vision of being able to reach down and lift my little one onto my chest after he is born. I can't believe that we are almost to that point. I wonder what he will look like, will he look like Larry or will he look like me. Will he have brown eyes? Will he be a he? The ultrasound tech we had was not really good..I'm hoping that the Dr gives me another ultrasound to check growth. At 25 weeks I was measuring right on track! I liked the Dr. I met last week but will be really upset if Dr. V delivers me as I am not fond of her.

25 Weeks!

We have made it past viability to 25 weeks! I have my glucose test this week and if I pass that then we breath a sigh or relief..this pregnancy has been so normal thus far. I have an anterior placenta and can feel him kick and move but there are periods of times that he is deep in my pelvic and I don't feel him that often..I'm so glad I have my doppler still!

Other drama in my life is that Joseph's daycare gave me 17 days notice that they were closing the doors..talk about FREAKING out! My son has been through so many transitions is his little life that another BIG move was really upsetting to me. Luckily, I have an amazing friend who is also an adoptive parent to a Korean boy that is 4 months younger than Joseph and we both attend the same daycare...Well she found a PERFECT fit for us! We got the last two spots in the center, both boys did not want to leave and I'm excited that Joseph will only be around 8 kids total and not the 13 he is around now..they are also adding to their license to take care of infants, so my problem may be SOLVED long term too!

We've decided on a name, it is still top secret but I can tell you it is JCA!

I can't believe in 15 weeks (If I go to 40) I will have a NEW baby in the house..super excited!