It's official-I'm old!

Well it's October already and I can't believe the kind of summer we had. It was so cool this summer that we didn't get a lot of camping in. In fact we camped for 1.5 days, yeah just 1.5 days. So sad! Our family LOVES to camp and kayak and be outside and this summer it was so cool and rainy. Fall is not shaping up to be any better. I actually started looking for one of those bike pedals you put under your desk for excersise because lord knows I can't walk in a down pour!

So what does this title mean on my blog? Well it's official I've reached the I'm getting old and my body is changing stage (or realization). I officially have stretch marks that will never go away. Although I am ever so thankful for those stretch marks because they mark the arrival of my son. The other part I am not so thankful about and that is my first varicose vein on my thigh. My mother has terrible veins and I always knew that I would probably get them too. But at 30? That's seems way too early and let's face it I'm still concerned with the way I look. I know a lot of it has to do with my job. I sit for TOO LONG everyday!9hrs too long! I try to get up often and go upstairs or take a walk but it's often not possible-and lets see, oh yeah the other reason is I need to lose 20lbs..atleast. I plan on closing my eyes when I get on the scale tomorrow for my lovely yearly dr visit. But regardless of all of this I am still happy to be me! With all that I have been through in the past 4 years to be here today (and everyday is still a challenge) to be optomistic is so worth the journey I have traveled.

I figure our adoption referral HAS to be close like anyday now..hint hint. It's been 10mths and counting since we have been waiting.(Just a shout out to my agency CAN YOU HEAR ME, I'M READY) I can't believe how this time went kinda fast EXCEPT now time seems to be standing still. Baby where are you? I love you so much and I don't even know you? I ask myself what will I be like when I finally get THE CALL? Now what is this all about? Well THE CALL is the one that your social worker calls and tells you they have a baby for you and you review the call..It's similar to a 20wk ultrasound I guess. I mean you know you are going to have a baby but when you find out if it is a boy or girl it somehow feels MORE real. Dh and I were talking last night about camping with a little one next year! I'm so excited!!! With his job we have flexibility to not have to use daycare as much as we did with C and we can REALLY bond as a family. I won't be able to take 4 months off work--but I do plan on taking 12 weeks and I am very excited to have 3 months to be with my babies!!

I'm thankful to be working but I so wish I could be a stay at home mommy. I'm jealous of moms that get to see their children every morning and dance around in their PJ's. I hated having to wake my baby up get him dressed and shuffle him off to daycare for the WHOLE day. I know I will wonder what my baby is doing all day while I am at work. Granted I know that my employment has provided so many wonderful things and I am so thankful but in the end it really is just "Stuff." I think so many working parents feel this way and I know I struggle everyday with it.

So any adoption updates? No we are still WAITING.....tick tock tick tock

My Sweet Child

"You had a journey to make, A trip to come through, To parents who were praying, And waiting for you."

As we reflect.....

It has been a year since we decided to pursue international adoption! Last July 14, 2008 I sent my application in. Where has the past year gone? I feel as if I have been in this process for so much longer. I guess since 2005? Since my first loss, God has been leading me in this direction for some time. I just needed a few years to actually hear him.

Each day I fear asking for an update because things have been slow in my agency. They have actually said this is what they expected and they don't accept applications so families are waiting for years. We however, will have surpassed the year mark and it is likely to be much longer until our adoption is completed. I asked my SW yesterday if there was any updates and she indicated no, a couple babies are coming home in August. She also indicated that the family behind us has been told that they will not receive a referral until 2010. We have been waiting officially for a match since November 21, 2008. That marks over 8 months now and it appears that we are likely going to be closer to the 10 month mark before we get a referral.

This makes things a bit scary for us because South Korea only issues so many Visa's a year and our child will likely be ready to travel toward the end of the year and we could fall into the time frame when Korea says..nope no more VISA's until January 2010. I pray to GOD this does not happen. We don't want our baby to be waiting for us for a few months due to Visa problems. If we get a referral in October it will be okay as the baby will come home in 2010, but if we get a referral in August--different story. We still are getting close to the "hook" they call it.

I told dh this last night and he stated that he doesn't want to do the nursery because he doesn't want it to sit empty for so long...I'm broken hearted because FINALLY the waiting is getting to me.... I don't want to hang our Korean tree ordament on the tree for Christmas this year without our baby being home. I've been totally fine the past 8 months..and now the unknown is getting harder to swallow each day. God grant me the strength.....

Wait

Wait
by Russell Kelfer


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign."

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see."

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

We are still plugging away...

We are in the dreaded wait now. The one where everyone keeps asking, "Now, where are you guys at?" We are waiting for our match. The baby God has chosen to join our family. I've spent my days wondering how I might raise the remaining funds for our adoption. We have $2,000 more to go and I've been bargain shopping to help save some additional money for our adoption fees. This week I scored a crib in excellant condition at $35.00 dollars. It's a far cry from the cherry crib I have dreamt of, but the price was right and it converts to a daybed and has a nice mattress. It appears to be about 5 years old and is white. I figure it just saved us about $219.00 as I was planning on spending close to $300 for a 4 in 1 crib. The next things I need are..more cloth diapers, excersaucer, rocking chair, car seat, stroller and clothes!

I WISH my SIL would have held onto some of her things for the baby, I had asked her to but with them moving it was proving difficult to keep the clutter, so here I am out shopping the garage sale scene hoping to score some goods! We are planning a community dinner/fundraiser for June 20th and music in the evening as a BYOB event. I'm also planning a rummage sale for next weekend with my parents and hope that we have some GREAT sales!

So I continue to pray, pray for so many wonderful things in my life and I pray that North Korea will remain peaceful and not disrupt anything with our adoption and we can get our baby home soon! I pray that the light is at the end of the tunnel, I can see it from a distance and I pray that God blesses us with what we have been yearning for. I continue to cherish the moments I have with my son, knowing that our family dynamic will be changed soon and my new journey will begin. I pray that we hear something from the last of the grants we applied for. I also pray for all the children out there waiting to come home to their forever families~~

Jackie

Saying Good-Bye

Is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The last thing I said to my Grandpa was "I'll see you later" I never said bye because I know someday we will be together again. I created this Montage in his memory for the memorial service. Some pictures are blurry but my Grandma really wanted them in there and I honored her wishes. I'll cherish our memories forever!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I-600A EQUALS I-171H APPROVAL!!

After four long months and 2 (RFE) Requests for Evidence we have been granted the last piece of paperwork we had to have stamped with approval! I can't be too mad at the Detroit USCIS office but they did fail to email me after stating on the website they answer emails in 24-48 hours. Perhaps that person was laid off like the other 12% of the population in Michigan?

The good news is that we are ALL set and now we just wait for our referral! Which crossing our fingers should come in August! Woo HOO!!!

I was so happy when I got that little piece of mail last night!!!