Happy Birthday Baby!!!



Jaxon receiving his Pirate Water Table on his 1st Birthday.  The look says it all *LOVE*



It's everything I could have dreamed...

As the days creep closer to the one year mark, I find myself day dreaming and reflecting about this time last year, this time the year before and so on and so fourth. This time 7 years ago, I was mourning the loss of my second pregnancy, I was falling into a deep depression over what that baby might have looked like and angry at God for allowing it to happen to me. Constantly asking WHY? And failing to be the Mother my then 6 year old son desperately needed.  I'm angry at myself for not seeing the good in my life and losing that precious time.  I'm thankful for going through everything I have gone through in the last 7 years because it has made me stronger, wiser and more empathetic to women who suffer a loss or who are struggling to conceive.  I understand their pain and feel their hurt and know that the desire to have a child sometimes is so powerful that we lose sight of who we are.

5 years ago I was embarking on my first round of fertility treatments, traveling 2.5hrs one way just for a glimmer of hope.  Embarking on three cycles that would all turned out to be nothing but a waste of time and money.  Sadly, every IUI we attempted resulted in negative test results or BFNs as known in the trying to conceive community.  I was vigorously charting, talking alfalfa supplements using preseed, eating and Egg McMuffin after receiving my IUI (it is believed that the fat content helps with implantation):rolling eyes: anything that I thought would GET me pregnant.  I was desperate for another child and NOTHING mattered.  I even quit school delaying my Bachelor's degree even further because I couldn't focus on anything else.  My husband often jokes that he was made to feel like a sperm bank, I told him when, where and how he was to do the deed..and he dare not say, "I'm tired" as that would have probably been the end of his existence.

Three years ago, I decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH..I can't live this way and we chose to embark on what we believed our final journey to add to our family.  We ventured into the world of International Adoption..this is where the inception of this blog began.  We rode the wonderful adoption roller coaster ups and downs for two years..but in the along the way we had the HOPE I was desperately searching for, not just the luck we thought we needed.  In the end we were brought together with a little hope, a lot of hard work and some divine miracle that lead us to our beautiful Korean boy.  It was the celebration of his adoption and the finalization of that process that lead us to our next journey....During the month of our finalization we became pregnant with our third little charmer.

Last year at this time, I was anticipating the arrival of a miracle I never thought was possible.  I am not going to lie, I worried the whole pregnancy that something would and could go wrong.  But I could not have dreamt up a better labor and delivery story if I wanted to.  The beauty and joy I received from being pregnant this last time can't really be explained in words.  What I do know is I cherished every moment, even the times I was having morning sickness in my 6th month.  I knew that I could not take anything for granted and that each day I was pregnant no matter what aches and pains came along with it, I was going to savor every waking moment.  The delivery was just as spectacular, I was calm, relaxed and although my son had to be evicted with a voluntary induction at 39weeks and 5days, he entered into this world in a peaceful, es tactic and wondrous way.  A moment I will forever cherish as it is likely to be my last.

So, as I creep closer..the oldest has turned 13 now, my Korean prince has turned 3 and my baby will be 1...I can't help but reflect back on where I was and how far I have come.  My life has changed so quickly and it's everything that I could have dreamed it to be.  Seven years ago, I didn't know what tomorrow was going to bring and never would I or could I imagin that I would have three amazing kids today.  I've wondered to myself when I might choose to archive this blog.  The journey appears to be different now and as one chapter begins to close a new one begins to open.  I have since completed my Bachelors Degree and will be embarking on my first Masters Degree course this fall.  In the end, I guess it really does work out and it's all in God's timing.  I hope that this blog provides support to someone out there who is feeling lost, and dreaming of what could be..because in the end, it's really the HOPE that got me through it all...

Peace

Can we just slow down....

This life of mine is like a whirlwind. It's going by so fast and I can’t do anything to stop it. With working and juggling all the different roles in my life, I am having a hard time stopping, enjoying and SAVORING any of it. I wish I had the luxury of not doing the 9-5 grind or to be self-employed or to take lavish vacations with my children. Yes, I am quite jealous of those Hollywood Moms. Going from 1 kid to 2 was a breeze...2-3 was mind blowing and eye opening. My world is mostly chaos, whining is a daily occurrence and sleep denervation is the new norm. Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER change any of it and I do remember my fertility struggles that lead me to adopt my beautiful Joey..but it's my life now and it's real to me. I'm not complaining but more or less processing the fact that my once tidy, organized life is chaotic and uncontrollable. My kids are my world and I know the old mantra is that we give our best years to our children and they are the reason for our soon to be popping gray hairs but I still can't wrap my head around how I could slow things down a bit and enjoy watching them grow up with anticipation and wonder instead of wanting them to stay little and savor every minute of their babyhood, toddler and teen years. Perhaps it's because I am going through all these phases at the same time!! That might just be it! One of the most important things I have said to myself is that I want to do more family stuff and that means going to festivals, camping, kayaking (it's been two years since I've sat in my kayak) and live in the moment. After being diagnosed with skin cancer in January and going through that nightmare, I promised myself that I would change the way I saw the world. However, it seems that old habits die hard. I'm still doing and acting the same as I did prior to my cancer diagnosis. I'm proud that I am cancer free now, and know that it's a real possibility that it might come back..because they say it's rare at 32 to have basal cell carcinoma even if I am VERY fair skinned. So my dermatologist gives me the full up and down look every three months to make sure nothing else is popping up. That's something I love looking forward to, kind of like that Pap smear. You got to get it done, but it really sucks having it done. So, because I recognize that I am working too hard and now following my own Dr. Orders. I pledge that this summer is going to be one filled memories, drinking coffee on the deck listening to the birds chirping. It’s going to be a time to reflect, re-energize and enjoy.

Has it really been 6 Months???

Happy Six months to my little baby boy! I love you so much peanut cheeks!

December Update

I'm going to probably leave this blog pretty blank and celebrate just my kids beautiful pictures. December was a rough one for me and I had to have a little surgery. Someday I will tell the story but for now I am just going to stare at my little men's faces.

Life as we know it...

We are plugging along nicely. The routine has been set and we are off and running. I am working fulltime, we have daycare two days a week and one day the kids spend with my Mom at her house. It seems to work well but the cost of having two in daycare is still daunting.
Dh has a nice contract that appears to be dependant on the Congressional Super Commitee balancing the budget. It's likely the funding for the program my husband is involved with will be cut..another slam to the middle class working folks! I wish our government would see the value of small businesses growing and flourishing over large corprate mongruls. I have a coworker that seems very interested in my financial situation and I am not going to let it be know that our world may be rocked in 2012. Nope! I'm going to stay ahead of the game and get on the advertising for building his client list. Makes my job even more important but honestly, I don't really care. I just want to love and hug on my babies and I see friends of mine who are SAHM who have husbands that own business that are making it just fine. Yes, we do like the finer things in life but honestly we have lots of things we could CUT out and be just fine. I can shop at the farmers market, I can can and freeze food to cut our grocery bill. I am already an extreme coupon shopper saving over 40-50 each trip and only needing to spend $200 a month on groceries. We could do it but right now we don't have to do it so it is what it is..

The boys are doing great and I can't believe that today my little one is 4 months old. I WISH I could go back to the labor and delivery room and do it all over again..it was that magical and that special to me that I would do it 100 more times! I'm also getting the baby itch and dh was ready to fulfill that wish the other day until I talked him out of it..it's pure madness to think we should have another baby not to mention it's super irrisponsible. So for a while here we just keep plugging along.

Lucky

He doesn't know how lucky he is. I cried this morning getting my things ready for work. I'm into my second week and dh exclaimed that he is not liking this arrangement. I proclaimed to him, "I would give my left arm to be with the kids 4 days a week" Two days are solo and two days are weekends and I am home. I told him you are so lucky..you get to change them, play with them and bond with them. He told me that he can tell Jaxon misses me and my heart broke. I've decided to take over the night feedings, even when having to work as dh is just "too exhausted" this is what I get for marrying someone that is 11 years older than me.

I'm so torn, I wish I didn't make so much money or didn't carry all our health benefits. I wish I could stay home with my babies. I wish I could teach them their colors and alphabet..I wish I wish I wish. But instead I put on a smile and put on my suit, grab my coffee, kiss my kids goodbye and know I will see them at 6:30. All the while dh is playing "Little Einstein's" and sitting on the couch cuddling the baby. I pretend I am not jealous but the truth is I AM! In our marriage dh has had so many jobs..and finally we realized that his problem with authority would be better suited if he just opened up his own business. Well, I helped with that too. I built the website, signed the papers, got the merchant account set up and contacted clients. Filled out a resume and proposal for a large contract through the state (which we got btw) and busted my arse to make sure he was successfull and could still provide for our family. Two years later he is making a pretty good living after all expenses last year we went from making a 7K profit to 39K and things look even better this year. But still I am angry that he complains that he doesn't like staying home two days with a 2 year old and a 3.5 month old. I refuse to put my kids in daycare for 5 days just so he can have his sanity. I don't expect dh to multi task like me as I just gifted that way..but do expect that he would treat his time with our kids as special, amazing and a chance in a lifetime. Instead I am left wondering is today the day that he loses his patience? Dh's band broke up recently and I can tell he is a bit down about that..he has stopped going to yoga after paying $250 to go and he just wants to sleep when I get home from work. Depression? I don't know but I do know that it's time for a talk..it's time for him to realize that he is LUCKY..he is oh so LUCKY! I would give up everything to have those days...I really would but the sacrifice would be too great for me to quit working. So yeah, I am having a problem with being back to work. I am starting to lose interest and wishing that I could work part time (not an option at my instituition).

But for today, I rejoice in the fact that I am going back to Church to connect to God agian, I am wishing to live each day in the moment and to snuggle my babies every chance I get. I am not losing any minute of the gifts I was given. I am and will be the best Mom I can be.

I will let go of cleaning the house, getting mad the laundry is a mile high, or that rooms are a mess..instead I will cuddle my babies after I put in my FULL day of work.

What's New

It's been awhile since I have blogged..or had the time to blog but so much has been happening in our beautiful little family. Jaxon is 9 weeks old and although Joseph was not all that thrilled to have a little brother he has adjusted beautifully! He loves his little "Deet Deet" as he calls him. Jaxon is such a wondeful blessing and a really easy going baby. He slept through the night last night and I just love watching him. He has started to Coo and smiles at me. He also turns his head when he hears my voice and has rolled over twice from his belly to his back.

He is amazing and I am so in love. I've talked with Dh about how wonderful and textbook his pregnancy and delivery was and I've mustered up enough courage to tell him that I really don't feel "done" with having kids. He of course feels complete and loves that we can now focus on raising and playing with our kids. But he did say let's see where we are at in a couple of years..I'm hoping by 34 I will be pregnant again :) We'll see! Jaxon was a huge surprse as I thought my body had just given up and I couldn't get pregnant. I noticed though when Joseph came home I was mentally in a better place and was very at peace with where I was at and I think this had a huge impact on my ability to let go and in turn we ended up pregnant.

The strangest thing throughout my pregnancy was that people really could't or wouldn't "See" me as pregnant. Although I clearly had a baby belly it didn't register to them that I was expecting because of Joe's adoption. Made me sad that most of society believes a person adopts because they "can't" have children, when in fact everyone's story is a bit different and more complicated then that. I go back to work in 3 weeks and I am DREADING it. I love being home and I have a nice routine but finacially we just can't swing it. I've been getting paid this whole time and it's a good things because it made me realize that we can't make it on one income just yet. Dh has become accustom to a lifestyle that he won't change. I have to admit my marriage is much better and I feel like dh is much more involved and caring. He fell in love with Jax and in turn he has adjusted his schedule to be more hands on. I've loving seeing him with his boys more now!

My oldest is 12 aleady! Christian is amazingly smart and talented I feel so lucky that he is such a good big brother. He has really helped me out when things seem to be a bit chaotic! He is also the quarterback of his football team and I am so proud to see him in that position!

Our days are spent running to football games, playing outside, having picnics and enjoying these miracles that we were given! These last two years of my life have been so amazing and I am thankful everyday that my journey has ended in bliss and that I am no longer in a place of darkness and despair. It's so hard when you want something so bad and yet you have no control over it! I will always be aware of our struggles to get here and our losses along the way. I pray each night for those out there that are where I was three years ago! I will never forget what it was like and will always have a place in my heart for those that are trying to conceive and having difficulty. I've added a few pictures of my beautiful babies and my mother in law who spent two weeks with us. She lives in Colorodo and we miss her so much!

Jaxon Charles Birth Story

Born 7/20

I am finally getting around to posting his birth story. Let's just say it was a fantastic birth. I was scheduled on 7/19 for an elective induction. I was 42 weeks over with my first and with Jaxon it was determined since we were sure of his gestational age we would do an induction close to 40 weeks. I was 39 weeks 4 days pregnant when I went to the hospital. I had not been checked at any of my prenatal appointments so..I had no idea where I was starting at. I was checked by my Dr. before we started the induction and I was 0% effaced and 1 centimeter dialated. It looks like my body was no where near starting just like my first baby. Dr. decided to try 25mg of Cytotec to soften my cervix and see where things went from here. I asked not to have pictocin until medically necessary since I felt my body could do this with just a jump start.

Cytotec started working right away. I was contracting every 2-3 minutes and they honestly were not bad at all. I walked the halls, used the yoga ball and took a spa bath to help ease through the contractions. At 11:00 a.m I was checked again and I was at 2 centimeters and 40% effacement! Progress..just not as much as I had hoped. We did another 25mg and Dr came back at 3:00 p.m. Checked me and I was still between a 2 and 3. This time the midwife was the one to check me and she decided to strip my membranes....this is the part that hurt like heck! So I labored for a bit and at 6p.m. I was still at 3 centimeters we decided to try some pictocin to move my stalled labor. I did pictocin until 9:00 p.m. and was checked one last time by my Dr. This was decision point. I was still at a 3...and I remember saying "DAMN." The Dr. gave me a choice to just stop the pictocin and get some rest and we would try again in the morning OR to break my water and I would labor throughout the night and maybe have him in the early hours. My Dr. had been in surgeries almost all day and I could tell he was a bit exhausted so I chose to just stop the pictocin, get some rest and start again at 6 am on 7/20.

The morning of 7/20 baby was still looking perfect on all the monitors and we started pictocin again. I asked when the Dr. would come in and check me and my nurse said she would check with her. Finally atg 11 am the Dr. came in and checked me. I was still at 3 but my water was bulging. I asked the Dr. to break my water so get things going. She broke my water and at the same time I asked to have my epidural. Before my epi could be placed I had to have 500ml of fluid. It took about an hour for the fluid to go through my IV and this by far was the most painful part of labor. I had the labor shakes..my husband kept asking if I was cold and I told him "no" it was just what happens when your body transitions. My Mom wanted to be there for the birth so she was at her office working down the road and told me to call her when I was at 5 centimeters and she would come to the hospital. At 2:00 p.m. my epidural was placed and labor was so much better :) We learned that the baby was posterior (face up) so I had to change positions to try and get him to turn.

At about 3:00 p.m. I asked my husband to page the nurse because I was feeling some pressure. She came in and asked me what kind of pressure and I told her that it was vaginal but also felt in my rectum...so I wanted to be checked. I was half tempted to put my own hand down there just to make sure the head was not coming out..because the pressure was pretty strong. The nurse went on a hunt for the Dr. and I paged her 2 minutes later and said someone really needs to check me because I feel like I could push. She (nurse) said can I check you? I said sure I just want to make sure my baby is not coming out..lol. She checked me and once she put her hand in a bit her face said it all..the BABY was RIGHT THERE. She gave a big thumbs up and I told my husband to call my Mom. He fumbled with is phone and couldn't find her number so I picked up my cell and called her..said get here now I feel pressure.

Next thing I know there were lots of people in the room and the Dr. flew in. My bed was being torn apart nurses coming in left and right
and it seemed a bit chaotic..lol. I was able to take a pre-pushing picture with my husband and I gave two practice pushes and knew he was going to come out. I hoped that my Mom would make it but at this point I couldn't hold back anymore. All of a sudden we heard a knock on the door and in flew my Mom. I gave two more pushes and out came Jaxon Charles ..7lbs 10 oz and perfect. He is amazing and calm and so strong can hold his head up already. We are so in love! Honestly, labor was so much easier than it was with my oldest. I felt more in control and calm during the whole thing. My nurse Cindy shift ended at 3 p.m. but she wanted to stay and get this boy born. She by far was the best nurse I had during my whole time there! My labor was so fantastic I would do it all over again. It's even left me with the idea that perhaps Dh and I could add another baby in a couple of years :) But then again Dh is saying he is done :)

Introducing Jaxon Charles!!

He's here!

Born 7/20/11
7lbs 10oz
3:12 p.m.
20.5 inches long!

I am so in love! I'm still at the hospital but will come and write my birth story!

Enjoy the pic!

39 Weeks & Induction Date

I am now 39 weeks pregnant today (well okay tomorrow)but it's close enough! I've had some contractions, they are not consistant nor are they painful. I swear my body just doesn't know how to go into natural labor on it's own. I was hoping that I would just be at work and BAM..my water would break. It would atleast be exciting right? Well it doesn't look like that will be my luck. Tomorrow is my last day of work..woo hoo! I made it to 39 weeks and I know there is no way I could have made it to 40 weeks working. It's just getting harder and harder to get up and move around. Baby has dropped as my belly is much lower. I will take a belly shot in my bathing suit this weekend since it's suppose to be high 80's and 90's! I'll be hitting the river.

It is crazy how fast this pregnancy has gone by for me. Part of it must have been that the first trimester was a blurr..I really tried not to think about what was happening. The second trimester pretty much the same thing until my 20 week ultrasound and then I just fell in love. Yes, I have been a raging pregnant lady and yes my husband has probably suffered but seriously he shouldn't be surprised since this is how I was during our first pregnancy. Although, I do feel a bit bad for those time I yelled at him.

So..my husband also informed me that I need to drop these 20lbs and then some so that I can be his arm candy--since he is getting his balls snipped. LOL I laughed my ass off on that one. Listen if I am gonna get all skinny it's gonna be for me not so I can be a show piece. Also, I really don't think I look all that bad..yeah I could lose about 40 pounds total--and yes I plan to have a breast reduction which will help immensely with the back pain I have and the larger top heavy look that I have going on. But honesly, I have a curvy athletic body and I don't mind not having super long lanky skinny legs..and let's face it. 5 pregnancies later...my stomach will never look like it did when I was 18. So my love, you have me at my 32 year old self, stretch marks, saggy belly and maybe a dimple or two on my ass but it's me..take it or leave it :)

Okay so back to the pregnancy stuff..
What will I miss most about being pregnant--

Watching my belly move
Feeling Hiccups
Pushing on a foot and having the baby push back
My belly
Listening to the heart beat in the womb
Eating icecream and not worrying about what people might say..even if I have it everyday :)
Shopping for baby supplies (I love me some thrift and consignment shopping)
Going to the OB/GYN clinic and feeling ok with sitting among other pregnant people..but still mindful that others may be there wanting what I have--
Dh rubbing my belly, DS rubbing my belly and driving his cars over it.

What I won't miss
Is MORNING SICKNESS--26 weeks of it.
Not being able to breath walking up the stairs
Puffy feet
Watching the scale go up :)
Not being able to play my summer sports
Maternity clothes (yes, I have cute ones..but seriously a $200 wardrobe buys very little)
My 2yr old jumping on my belly and wanting to constantly stick his finger in my belly button.
Constipation


So for now...I will be pregnant for atleast 5 more days! As excited as I am to meet my little baby..I can't believe that it's all about to end. I wanted to be here so bad in the beginning but now am realizing that I will truley miss being pregnant.

Full Term!

I can't believe I made it! Today I am full term and I finally believe that if this baby comes anyday now..it will all be ok. I'm excited and can't wait to meet him! I'm, nervous, wondering if my body will remember what to do. I gained two pounds this past week. I have no idea how--my appetite has decreased immensley. I took a picture of my belly in the bath last night and my two year old shouts out..BABY BELLY..yup I have a baby belly. It took until 36 weeks to realize that "Holy Sh%*t" I am actually having a baby.

So here I wait with anticipation and excitment. Wondering if I will be induced or it my body will just do what it needs to do. My boss wants my water to break at work as wierd as that is..she's more excited then I am.

I've been taking pictures all along and I am still very much carrying just in my belly! I've gained a total of 17lbs at this point and I'm very happy about that. I know that atleast 10 of those pounds are all related to the baby.

So here we go...20 days left and then it's count down time! Little J we are excited to see you arrive and can't wait to see who you look like.

Almost 36 weeks!

Yesterday was not a good day at all..I was utterly sick! No sleep and could not keep anything in my system at all. I was afraid of severe dyhdration! Called the Dr. office and it took the nurse FOREVER to call me back. Okay maybe it was 30 mintues but I called three times in that 30 minutes because I wasn't sure if I was in labor or not since my back was killing me too...

Turns out I had the 24hr bug or food posioning. Being 9mths pregnant and having those symptoms I would not wish on anyone! We had a great appointment otherwise. Baby weighs about 5lbs 15oz and is in the 46% percentile. I'm not having a monster baby after all!! Woo Hoo! In the last two weeks, although I will admit I have eaten a lot of icecream I have gained NO weight..lol (I'm sure the vomiting and diahrea contributed to that)

So for now here is a picture of the little guy...

Happy Birthday JOEY!!

Today is my beautiful boy's second birthday! What an amazing year it has been for us. We will be celebrating his party on Saturday, in the local park with a Mickey Mouse theme. This boy loves his "Micka Mouse." We are not having a huge party this year,just Grandma and Grandpa and my brother and my niece and newphews. So between 10-15 people. I've invited a daycare friend, who also was adopted from Korea last year.

Joseph has had an amazing year. He speaks some Korean, Spanish can do sign language and is our Mr. Chatterbox. He can recite his ABC's and say his numbers 1-10. He speaks full sentences and it's amazing to actually carry on a conversation with him.

I also have to take time to think of his birth family...today they are probably hurting a bit, wondering how he is doing and if he is happy. I've not had any contact with them since April of 2010..and even then it was just the letters and gifts they sent to Joseph when he came home and a letter to us. I have a package prepared and will be mailing it out to them..I wanted it postmarked for today, so they knew I was thinking about them on his birthday..but I also want to send them a special gift and I just haven't found the "right" one yet. I've also had a lot on my plate this month with the home renovations, planning this party and being in my last trimester..I'm ususally in bed by 9:00 p.m.

So Joey---Mommy loves you so much and I can't wait for you to become a big brother because I know you are going to be such a big helper. I love you!

34 Weeks and Revelation.

Today I am officially 34 weeks. I can't believe that I am nearing the end of my pregnancy. This pregnancy has been textbook just like my first sons. I told my Dr. at my visit on Wed that I was getting anxiety that this pregnancy is going so well that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. He chuckled and told me, "You sound just like my wife." lol. So yea, as irrational as it may be I am worried that I might still have complications. He told me not to worry that he has no concerns at all. My BP is GREAT 117/72 last time it was checked. (I've relaxed a bit more) since we are past viability and the baby would be just fine if he was born now. In fact my good friend who was due 18 days before me had her baby 6 weeks early and even though little Charley spent 5 days in the NICU he was never on oxygen and they sent him home last Friday. He's doing great might I add! It's amazing to look back over the past 5 years of my life. I never would have believed 5 years ago, that I would have two amazing additions in my life. I was in my darkest, deepest place and it was not a good place. I was so depressed and things were no going well for me professionally or personally. I hated myself for being so broken.

It wasn't until I decided in 2008, that we were meant to adopt. Nobody will ever be able to tell me that this was not GOD's doing, Joey was meant to come to our family and baby boy was meant to be conceived 6mths after Joseph's arrival. I'd say my life is perfect..right now but that's not quite accurate either. I'm in a much better place, more confident and proud of the woman I am. I don't depend on anyone for anything and I am in a place professionally that allows me to support my family without the need of dual incomes.

It's refreshing to know that at 32 years old I am finally at that place, the good ole "Adult" place. Dh once said to me that I have changed from the woman that he first met 14 years ago..I replied, Of Course, I was 17 and it's only natural and normal for a person to "grow" up. Although Dh and I still struggle to find a balance in our marriage..I can only hope that he decides to walk beside me and not behind me. I don't know what the next 5 years will be like but I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever life throws my way.

Unknown..

I've decided not to title this post because I really don't know what exactly I would title it. I feel like my life is falling apart. Like I am losing grip on everything or that things are spiraling out of control. I'm one person and being pulled in so many directions. My amazing son, Christian is entering some kind of tween stage (Puberty?) and he is just not the same. He is more into his texting, Ipod than even spending quality time with his family. He seems so withdrawn and combative. I ask him to do something and he won't, he fights me on simple things like helping carry his clothes upstairs to be put away. I'm very careful not to ask him too much to help with Joseph..with getting a diaper, or sippy cup but being that I am 8mths pregnant it's hard to get up and down with a toddler on my lab. I know that Dh has been doing the same thing. Dh has GOT to step it up..it's annoying that he thinks he can still have the same lifestyle as we had when we had one kid..playing music shows, late nights, little sleep and trying to care for a toddler during the day. I try to be empathetic but it's really just turning into frustration and anger. I'm feeling like I blame him for the changes in our kids that I see. Joseph is at the terrible two's no doubt! We have to have consistant parenting with him, meaning that he has to SLEEP in his own room for atleast part of the night--he can't throw as temper tantrum and get away with throwing and hitting things. He needs constant reassurance that I am going to come home. He gets so upset every morning when I have to get up for work..throws a fit and then gets over it. I'm always careful to say goodbye, I love you and I will be home in a bit. I understand he has no linear knowledge of time so if Dh would keep him occupied throughout the day..instead of just letting him run the house..maybe he wouldn't feel the need to be so clingy when I get home.

The worst part is that I am exhausted after putting in a 9hr day, coming home and being attentive to my kids. Reading books, doing homework, making dinner at this time it's probably close to 8:30. I finally am able to sit down--tried to watch a movie with oldest son last night Harry Potter and fell asleep. He woke me up at 9:40and we decided it was time for bed. I feel spent and guilty because I can't do it all. How the hell am I going to manage this with three kids..a newborn, a high needs toddler, and a 12 year old that is just getting used to sharing me.

I want to so enjoy my pregnancy..baby kicks and baby hiccups! I don't want to be tired and crabby. I want to be treated like a queen, what happened to foot rubs, back rubs, I had to beg to get time to have my hair cut. I need a pedicure and want a massage too..but again feel guilty for wanting to do something for me.

Okay so this rant post made me feel a bit better but again it will probably all start over again tomorrow. It's nice to have an outlet though so atleast I can feel like some of this is getting off my chest.

Thanks,
Jackie

30 Weeks!

I'm 30 weeks today and baby boy is weighing in at an impressive 3 pounds 13 oz! Blood pressure was great 120/80 and I am up a total of 11 pounds! I will get another u/s in 4 weeks to check to see how large he is. I finally got to see his little face even though he was hiding behind his arm.

I saw his feet too! So glad I had the good u/s tech yesterday! All in all the baby is doing great. He is still in a breech position but they tell me he has a lot of time to turn and move head down..at least 25% of babies at this point have not turned so I figure he is just stubborn like his mother. I'm still saying a he even though Sandy didn't check again yesterday and the first u/s tech was "so-so" but I feel comfortable calling him a boy..I'm carrying the same as I did with Christian.

Crazy how fast this pregnancy has flow by..I know a lot has to do with the fact that I was so disconnected for the first few months because I didn't want to have a broken heart. I'm so thankful to be where I am now and that I am in the home stretch..I'm still nervous of course but each day we get closer to full term the better I feel about him coming into this world safely. I'm even fine with having a c-section if he continues to be breeched. I just want whats best for this little man and can't wait until he arrives.

29 Weeks! We've got a big one :)

I'm actually 29 weeks and 6 days but I'm rounding ahead and saying 30 weeks especially after today's u/s. Baby is measuring around 32 weeks and weigh 3lbs 13oz..So he is in the 77 percentile. Dr. Wright said he's a big but they are not too concerned yet as he isn't in the 90th percentile. It was enough for him to say that he wants me to have another u/s around 34 or 36 weeks to check to see how big this baby is getting.

I instantly had lots of questions, he's breeched..when will he turn? If he gets too big will they induce? Nope, they don't induce based on size so he could be a 9 or 10pounder if he continues to gain 1/2 pund each week. I'm up a total of 11 pounds this pregnancy and I'm saying half of that is directly related to my fluid, placenta, and the babies weight. The count down is really on now..10 weeks and baby boy is a good size already (almost 4lbs..I'm still in shock)

I feel great and although I feel like my bump is tiny everything is measuring the way it should..my due date won't be adjusted so in 10 weeks a new baby will be here since I have been promised that I won't go overdue. I had some great pictures today as the baby finally cooperated and I was able to see his profile, foot and 3-D of his face. He still likes to keep his arm over his face though. My BP was PERFECT at 120/80..what a relief that is! I always worry about how my BP will be as it really depends on the nurse taking it. I'll add pictures when I get a chance. I just need to scan them.

Baby J will be here in no time. Time to take a new belly picture.

29 weeks 3 days

Today I am 29 weeks and 3 days pregnant and boy am I starting to feel it. I've realized that I easily am out of breath even when I speak..apparently baby boy likes to put pressure on my diaphram. I'm up 9lbs total this pregnancy and I feel huge already. Even though people will say you look great and don't even look 7 months pregnant. I know this is meant to be a compliment but it really bothers me because either they think I have eaten a basketball or I am just fat..I have an obvious baby bump even when wearing non maternity shirts (which I can still fit--those ones with stretch anyway)

What I miss is being spoiled, I feel like my dh should be treating me like a princess instead I spent my mothers day fighting with kids, driving to 3 hardware stores and spending over 3 hours looking for the hardware to build the benches I wanted for my my deck with dh (since he is so very organized) and coming home with nothing but three bags of mulch that apparently I will be spreading later this evening. My dh even had the audacity to take a bubble bath downstairs for over an hour while I lay very pregnant upstairs fighting with my 2 year old that insisted it was time to eat. The worst part is that I can't sleep and there is no real space for me to move to sleep better..we have no extra room and no extra bed unless I want to climb up ds bunk bed and sleep on the top..so last night I slept in the couch which was very uncomfortable btw, because our toddler INSIST that he can't sleep through the night and needs to be in my bed..I just don't have the energy to fight with him and apparently dh is no help.

This post is whining, I understand that but I really want to get off my chest these things that are bothering me. Each morning I am late to work by 10 minutes because my husband can't seem to get motivated to get ds moving when I am in the shower..I'm really starting to get pissed off at him and I know a lot of my frustration is really because my hormones are going crazy but his lack of "caring" is irritating me. I told him I had to pack my hospital bag next week and he said, "Really?" Are you excited..and I replied "no, not really because I have no place to put this baby" he promptly cut me off and told me he didn't want to hear my negativity. Some how he thinks that my oldest son's room is going to magically remodel itself and that he
has all the time in the world to get the babies crib, room painted and things all in order. All the while I want to NEST..I have everything I need but want to wash baby clothing, set the room up and feel ready because given this is my second birthed child he may not wait until 40 weeks..I have a feeling he will be coming sooner..

So yes, this is a whining post and I apologize but I needed to vent...and I actually feel better after doing so. I'm looking forward to the fact that I have maybe 10.5 weeks to go and well my little bundle of love will be here soon. I can't wait to see him on Thursday on my u/s and hope that we get better pictures this time around since last time we did not have a very good tech as she was training.

I'll update after my Thursday appt.