Happy Birthday Baby!!!



Jaxon receiving his Pirate Water Table on his 1st Birthday.  The look says it all *LOVE*



It's everything I could have dreamed...

As the days creep closer to the one year mark, I find myself day dreaming and reflecting about this time last year, this time the year before and so on and so fourth. This time 7 years ago, I was mourning the loss of my second pregnancy, I was falling into a deep depression over what that baby might have looked like and angry at God for allowing it to happen to me. Constantly asking WHY? And failing to be the Mother my then 6 year old son desperately needed.  I'm angry at myself for not seeing the good in my life and losing that precious time.  I'm thankful for going through everything I have gone through in the last 7 years because it has made me stronger, wiser and more empathetic to women who suffer a loss or who are struggling to conceive.  I understand their pain and feel their hurt and know that the desire to have a child sometimes is so powerful that we lose sight of who we are.

5 years ago I was embarking on my first round of fertility treatments, traveling 2.5hrs one way just for a glimmer of hope.  Embarking on three cycles that would all turned out to be nothing but a waste of time and money.  Sadly, every IUI we attempted resulted in negative test results or BFNs as known in the trying to conceive community.  I was vigorously charting, talking alfalfa supplements using preseed, eating and Egg McMuffin after receiving my IUI (it is believed that the fat content helps with implantation):rolling eyes: anything that I thought would GET me pregnant.  I was desperate for another child and NOTHING mattered.  I even quit school delaying my Bachelor's degree even further because I couldn't focus on anything else.  My husband often jokes that he was made to feel like a sperm bank, I told him when, where and how he was to do the deed..and he dare not say, "I'm tired" as that would have probably been the end of his existence.

Three years ago, I decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH..I can't live this way and we chose to embark on what we believed our final journey to add to our family.  We ventured into the world of International Adoption..this is where the inception of this blog began.  We rode the wonderful adoption roller coaster ups and downs for two years..but in the along the way we had the HOPE I was desperately searching for, not just the luck we thought we needed.  In the end we were brought together with a little hope, a lot of hard work and some divine miracle that lead us to our beautiful Korean boy.  It was the celebration of his adoption and the finalization of that process that lead us to our next journey....During the month of our finalization we became pregnant with our third little charmer.

Last year at this time, I was anticipating the arrival of a miracle I never thought was possible.  I am not going to lie, I worried the whole pregnancy that something would and could go wrong.  But I could not have dreamt up a better labor and delivery story if I wanted to.  The beauty and joy I received from being pregnant this last time can't really be explained in words.  What I do know is I cherished every moment, even the times I was having morning sickness in my 6th month.  I knew that I could not take anything for granted and that each day I was pregnant no matter what aches and pains came along with it, I was going to savor every waking moment.  The delivery was just as spectacular, I was calm, relaxed and although my son had to be evicted with a voluntary induction at 39weeks and 5days, he entered into this world in a peaceful, es tactic and wondrous way.  A moment I will forever cherish as it is likely to be my last.

So, as I creep closer..the oldest has turned 13 now, my Korean prince has turned 3 and my baby will be 1...I can't help but reflect back on where I was and how far I have come.  My life has changed so quickly and it's everything that I could have dreamed it to be.  Seven years ago, I didn't know what tomorrow was going to bring and never would I or could I imagin that I would have three amazing kids today.  I've wondered to myself when I might choose to archive this blog.  The journey appears to be different now and as one chapter begins to close a new one begins to open.  I have since completed my Bachelors Degree and will be embarking on my first Masters Degree course this fall.  In the end, I guess it really does work out and it's all in God's timing.  I hope that this blog provides support to someone out there who is feeling lost, and dreaming of what could be..because in the end, it's really the HOPE that got me through it all...

Peace

Can we just slow down....

This life of mine is like a whirlwind. It's going by so fast and I can’t do anything to stop it. With working and juggling all the different roles in my life, I am having a hard time stopping, enjoying and SAVORING any of it. I wish I had the luxury of not doing the 9-5 grind or to be self-employed or to take lavish vacations with my children. Yes, I am quite jealous of those Hollywood Moms. Going from 1 kid to 2 was a breeze...2-3 was mind blowing and eye opening. My world is mostly chaos, whining is a daily occurrence and sleep denervation is the new norm. Now don't get me wrong I would NEVER change any of it and I do remember my fertility struggles that lead me to adopt my beautiful Joey..but it's my life now and it's real to me. I'm not complaining but more or less processing the fact that my once tidy, organized life is chaotic and uncontrollable. My kids are my world and I know the old mantra is that we give our best years to our children and they are the reason for our soon to be popping gray hairs but I still can't wrap my head around how I could slow things down a bit and enjoy watching them grow up with anticipation and wonder instead of wanting them to stay little and savor every minute of their babyhood, toddler and teen years. Perhaps it's because I am going through all these phases at the same time!! That might just be it! One of the most important things I have said to myself is that I want to do more family stuff and that means going to festivals, camping, kayaking (it's been two years since I've sat in my kayak) and live in the moment. After being diagnosed with skin cancer in January and going through that nightmare, I promised myself that I would change the way I saw the world. However, it seems that old habits die hard. I'm still doing and acting the same as I did prior to my cancer diagnosis. I'm proud that I am cancer free now, and know that it's a real possibility that it might come back..because they say it's rare at 32 to have basal cell carcinoma even if I am VERY fair skinned. So my dermatologist gives me the full up and down look every three months to make sure nothing else is popping up. That's something I love looking forward to, kind of like that Pap smear. You got to get it done, but it really sucks having it done. So, because I recognize that I am working too hard and now following my own Dr. Orders. I pledge that this summer is going to be one filled memories, drinking coffee on the deck listening to the birds chirping. It’s going to be a time to reflect, re-energize and enjoy.

Has it really been 6 Months???

Happy Six months to my little baby boy! I love you so much peanut cheeks!

December Update

I'm going to probably leave this blog pretty blank and celebrate just my kids beautiful pictures. December was a rough one for me and I had to have a little surgery. Someday I will tell the story but for now I am just going to stare at my little men's faces.

Life as we know it...

We are plugging along nicely. The routine has been set and we are off and running. I am working fulltime, we have daycare two days a week and one day the kids spend with my Mom at her house. It seems to work well but the cost of having two in daycare is still daunting.
Dh has a nice contract that appears to be dependant on the Congressional Super Commitee balancing the budget. It's likely the funding for the program my husband is involved with will be cut..another slam to the middle class working folks! I wish our government would see the value of small businesses growing and flourishing over large corprate mongruls. I have a coworker that seems very interested in my financial situation and I am not going to let it be know that our world may be rocked in 2012. Nope! I'm going to stay ahead of the game and get on the advertising for building his client list. Makes my job even more important but honestly, I don't really care. I just want to love and hug on my babies and I see friends of mine who are SAHM who have husbands that own business that are making it just fine. Yes, we do like the finer things in life but honestly we have lots of things we could CUT out and be just fine. I can shop at the farmers market, I can can and freeze food to cut our grocery bill. I am already an extreme coupon shopper saving over 40-50 each trip and only needing to spend $200 a month on groceries. We could do it but right now we don't have to do it so it is what it is..

The boys are doing great and I can't believe that today my little one is 4 months old. I WISH I could go back to the labor and delivery room and do it all over again..it was that magical and that special to me that I would do it 100 more times! I'm also getting the baby itch and dh was ready to fulfill that wish the other day until I talked him out of it..it's pure madness to think we should have another baby not to mention it's super irrisponsible. So for a while here we just keep plugging along.

Lucky

He doesn't know how lucky he is. I cried this morning getting my things ready for work. I'm into my second week and dh exclaimed that he is not liking this arrangement. I proclaimed to him, "I would give my left arm to be with the kids 4 days a week" Two days are solo and two days are weekends and I am home. I told him you are so lucky..you get to change them, play with them and bond with them. He told me that he can tell Jaxon misses me and my heart broke. I've decided to take over the night feedings, even when having to work as dh is just "too exhausted" this is what I get for marrying someone that is 11 years older than me.

I'm so torn, I wish I didn't make so much money or didn't carry all our health benefits. I wish I could stay home with my babies. I wish I could teach them their colors and alphabet..I wish I wish I wish. But instead I put on a smile and put on my suit, grab my coffee, kiss my kids goodbye and know I will see them at 6:30. All the while dh is playing "Little Einstein's" and sitting on the couch cuddling the baby. I pretend I am not jealous but the truth is I AM! In our marriage dh has had so many jobs..and finally we realized that his problem with authority would be better suited if he just opened up his own business. Well, I helped with that too. I built the website, signed the papers, got the merchant account set up and contacted clients. Filled out a resume and proposal for a large contract through the state (which we got btw) and busted my arse to make sure he was successfull and could still provide for our family. Two years later he is making a pretty good living after all expenses last year we went from making a 7K profit to 39K and things look even better this year. But still I am angry that he complains that he doesn't like staying home two days with a 2 year old and a 3.5 month old. I refuse to put my kids in daycare for 5 days just so he can have his sanity. I don't expect dh to multi task like me as I just gifted that way..but do expect that he would treat his time with our kids as special, amazing and a chance in a lifetime. Instead I am left wondering is today the day that he loses his patience? Dh's band broke up recently and I can tell he is a bit down about that..he has stopped going to yoga after paying $250 to go and he just wants to sleep when I get home from work. Depression? I don't know but I do know that it's time for a talk..it's time for him to realize that he is LUCKY..he is oh so LUCKY! I would give up everything to have those days...I really would but the sacrifice would be too great for me to quit working. So yeah, I am having a problem with being back to work. I am starting to lose interest and wishing that I could work part time (not an option at my instituition).

But for today, I rejoice in the fact that I am going back to Church to connect to God agian, I am wishing to live each day in the moment and to snuggle my babies every chance I get. I am not losing any minute of the gifts I was given. I am and will be the best Mom I can be.

I will let go of cleaning the house, getting mad the laundry is a mile high, or that rooms are a mess..instead I will cuddle my babies after I put in my FULL day of work.