Our Journey through Adoption and Pregnancy

Has it really been 6 Months???

2012-01-31T13:34:00.001-08:00

Happy Six months to my little baby boy! I love you so much peanut cheeks!

December Update

2012-01-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

I'm going to probably leave this blog pretty blank and celebrate just my kids beautiful pictures. December was a rough one for me and I had to have a little surgery. Someday I will tell the story but for now I am just going to stare at my little men's faces.

Life as we know it...

2011-11-17T14:09:00.000-08:00

We are plugging along nicely. The routine has been set and we are off and running. I am working fulltime, we have daycare two days a week and one day the kids spend with my Mom at her house. It seems to work well but the cost of having two in daycare is still daunting.
Dh has a nice contract that appears to be dependant on the Congressional Super Commitee balancing the budget. It's likely the funding for the program my husband is involved with will be cut..another slam to the middle class working folks! I wish our government would see the value of small businesses growing and flourishing over large corprate mongruls. I have a coworker that seems very interested in my financial situation and I am not going to let it be know that our world may be rocked in 2012. Nope! I'm going to stay ahead of the game and get on the advertising for building his client list. Makes my job even more important but honestly, I don't really care. I just want to love and hug on my babies and I see friends of mine who are SAHM who have husbands that own business that are making it just fine. Yes, we do like the finer things in life but honestly we have lots of things we could CUT out and be just fine. I can shop at the farmers market, I can can and freeze food to cut our grocery bill. I am already an extreme coupon shopper saving over 40-50 each trip and only needing to spend $200 a month on groceries. We could do it but right now we don't have to do it so it is what it is..

The boys are doing great and I can't believe that today my little one is 4 months old. I WISH I could go back to the labor and delivery room and do it all over again..it was that magical and that special to me that I would do it 100 more times! I'm also getting the baby itch and dh was ready to fulfill that wish the other day until I talked him out of it..it's pure madness to think we should have another baby not to mention it's super irrisponsible. So for a while here we just keep plugging along.

Lucky

2011-10-27T12:07:00.001-07:00

He doesn't know how lucky he is. I cried this morning getting my things ready for work. I'm into my second week and dh exclaimed that he is not liking this arrangement. I proclaimed to him, "I would give my left arm to be with the kids 4 days a week" Two days are solo and two days are weekends and I am home. I told him you are so lucky..you get to change them, play with them and bond with them. He told me that he can tell Jaxon misses me and my heart broke. I've decided to take over the night feedings, even when having to work as dh is just "too exhausted" this is what I get for marrying someone that is 11 years older than me.

I'm so torn, I wish I didn't make so much money or didn't carry all our health benefits. I wish I could stay home with my babies. I wish I could teach them their colors and alphabet..I wish I wish I wish. But instead I put on a smile and put on my suit, grab my coffee, kiss my kids goodbye and know I will see them at 6:30. All the while dh is playing "Little Einstein's" and sitting on the couch cuddling the baby. I pretend I am not jealous but the truth is I AM! In our marriage dh has had so many jobs..and finally we realized that his problem with authority would be better suited if he just opened up his own business. Well, I helped with that too. I built the website, signed the papers, got the merchant account set up and contacted clients. Filled out a resume and proposal for a large contract through the state (which we got btw) and busted my arse to make sure he was successfull and could still provide for our family. Two years later he is making a pretty good living after all expenses last year we went from making a 7K profit to 39K and things look even better this year. But still I am angry that he complains that he doesn't like staying home two days with a 2 year old and a 3.5 month old. I refuse to put my kids in daycare for 5 days just so he can have his sanity. I don't expect dh to multi task like me as I just gifted that way..but do expect that he would treat his time with our kids as special, amazing and a chance in a lifetime. Instead I am left wondering is today the day that he loses his patience? Dh's band broke up recently and I can tell he is a bit down about that..he has stopped going to yoga after paying $250 to go and he just wants to sleep when I get home from work. Depression? I don't know but I do know that it's time for a talk..it's time for him to realize that he is LUCKY..he is oh so LUCKY! I would give up everything to have those days...I really would but the sacrifice would be too great for me to quit working. So yeah, I am having a problem with being back to work. I am starting to lose interest and wishing that I could work part time (not an option at my instituition).

But for today, I rejoice in the fact that I am going back to Church to connect to God agian, I am wishing to live each day in the moment and to snuggle my babies every chance I get. I am not losing any minute of the gifts I was given. I am and will be the best Mom I can be.

I will let go of cleaning the house, getting mad the laundry is a mile high, or that rooms are a mess..instead I will cuddle my babies after I put in my FULL day of work.

What's New

2011-09-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I have blogged..or had the time to blog but so much has been happening in our beautiful little family. Jaxon is 9 weeks old and although Joseph was not all that thrilled to have a little brother he has adjusted beautifully! He loves his little "Deet Deet" as he calls him. Jaxon is such a wondeful blessing and a really easy going baby. He slept through the night last night and I just love watching him. He has started to Coo and smiles at me. He also turns his head when he hears my voice and has rolled over twice from his belly to his back.

He is amazing and I am so in love. I've talked with Dh about how wonderful and textbook his pregnancy and delivery was and I've mustered up enough courage to tell him that I really don't feel "done" with having kids. He of course feels complete and loves that we can now focus on raising and playing with our kids. But he did say let's see where we are at in a couple of years..I'm hoping by 34 I will be pregnant again :) We'll see! Jaxon was a huge surprse as I thought my body had just given up and I couldn't get pregnant. I noticed though when Joseph came home I was mentally in a better place and was very at peace with where I was at and I think this had a huge impact on my ability to let go and in turn we ended up pregnant.

The strangest thing throughout my pregnancy was that people really could't or wouldn't "See" me as pregnant. Although I clearly had a baby belly it didn't register to them that I was expecting because of Joe's adoption. Made me sad that most of society believes a person adopts because they "can't" have children, when in fact everyone's story is a bit different and more complicated then that. I go back to work in 3 weeks and I am DREADING it. I love being home and I have a nice routine but finacially we just can't swing it. I've been getting paid this whole time and it's a good things because it made me realize that we can't make it on one income just yet. Dh has become accustom to a lifestyle that he won't change. I have to admit my marriage is much better and I feel like dh is much more involved and caring. He fell in love with Jax and in turn he has adjusted his schedule to be more hands on. I've loving seeing him with his boys more now!

My oldest is 12 aleady! Christian is amazingly smart and talented I feel so lucky that he is such a good big brother. He has really helped me out when things seem to be a bit chaotic! He is also the quarterback of his football team and I am so proud to see him in that position!

Our days are spent running to football games, playing outside, having picnics and enjoying these miracles that we were given! These last two years of my life have been so amazing and I am thankful everyday that my journey has ended in bliss and that I am no longer in a place of darkness and despair. It's so hard when you want something so bad and yet you have no control over it! I will always be aware of our struggles to get here and our losses along the way. I pray each night for those out there that are where I was three years ago! I will never forget what it was like and will always have a place in my heart for those that are trying to conceive and having difficulty. I've added a few pictures of my beautiful babies and my mother in law who spent two weeks with us. She lives in Colorodo and we miss her so much!

Jaxon Charles Birth Story

2011-07-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

Born 7/20

I am finally getting around to posting his birth story. Let's just say it was a fantastic birth. I was scheduled on 7/19 for an elective induction. I was 42 weeks over with my first and with Jaxon it was determined since we were sure of his gestational age we would do an induction close to 40 weeks. I was 39 weeks 4 days pregnant when I went to the hospital. I had not been checked at any of my prenatal appointments so..I had no idea where I was starting at. I was checked by my Dr. before we started the induction and I was 0% effaced and 1 centimeter dialated. It looks like my body was no where near starting just like my first baby. Dr. decided to try 25mg of Cytotec to soften my cervix and see where things went from here. I asked not to have pictocin until medically necessary since I felt my body could do this with just a jump start.

Cytotec started working right away. I was contracting every 2-3 minutes and they honestly were not bad at all. I walked the halls, used the yoga ball and took a spa bath to help ease through the contractions. At 11:00 a.m I was checked again and I was at 2 centimeters and 40% effacement! Progress..just not as much as I had hoped. We did another 25mg and Dr came back at 3:00 p.m. Checked me and I was still between a 2 and 3. This time the midwife was the one to check me and she decided to strip my membranes....this is the part that hurt like heck! So I labored for a bit and at 6p.m. I was still at 3 centimeters we decided to try some pictocin to move my stalled labor. I did pictocin until 9:00 p.m. and was checked one last time by my Dr. This was decision point. I was still at a 3...and I remember saying "DAMN." The Dr. gave me a choice to just stop the pictocin and get some rest and we would try again in the morning OR to break my water and I would labor throughout the night and maybe have him in the early hours. My Dr. had been in surgeries almost all day and I could tell he was a bit exhausted so I chose to just stop the pictocin, get some rest and start again at 6 am on 7/20.

The morning of 7/20 baby was still looking perfect on all the monitors and we started pictocin again. I asked when the Dr. would come in and check me and my nurse said she would check with her. Finally atg 11 am the Dr. came in and checked me. I was still at 3 but my water was bulging. I asked the Dr. to break my water so get things going. She broke my water and at the same time I asked to have my epidural. Before my epi could be placed I had to have 500ml of fluid. It took about an hour for the fluid to go through my IV and this by far was the most painful part of labor. I had the labor shakes..my husband kept asking if I was cold and I told him "no" it was just what happens when your body transitions. My Mom wanted to be there for the birth so she was at her office working down the road and told me to call her when I was at 5 centimeters and she would come to the hospital. At 2:00 p.m. my epidural was placed and labor was so much better :) We learned that the baby was posterior (face up) so I had to change positions to try and get him to turn.

At about 3:00 p.m. I asked my husband to page the nurse because I was feeling some pressure. She came in and asked me what kind of pressure and I told her that it was vaginal but also felt in my rectum...so I wanted to be checked. I was half tempted to put my own hand down there just to make sure the head was not coming out..because the pressure was pretty strong. The nurse went on a hunt for the Dr. and I paged her 2 minutes later and said someone really needs to check me because I feel like I could push. She (nurse) said can I check you? I said sure I just want to make sure my baby is not coming out..lol. She checked me and once she put her hand in a bit her face said it all..the BABY was RIGHT THERE. She gave a big thumbs up and I told my husband to call my Mom. He fumbled with is phone and couldn't find her number so I picked up my cell and called her..said get here now I feel pressure.

Next thing I know there were lots of people in the room and the Dr. flew in. My bed was being torn apart nurses coming in left and right
and it seemed a bit chaotic..lol. I was able to take a pre-pushing picture with my husband and I gave two practice pushes and knew he was going to come out. I hoped that my Mom would make it but at this point I couldn't hold back anymore. All of a sudden we heard a knock on the door and in flew my Mom. I gave two more pushes and out came Jaxon Charles ..7lbs 10 oz and perfect. He is amazing and calm and so strong can hold his head up already. We are so in love! Honestly, labor was so much easier than it was with my oldest. I felt more in control and calm during the whole thing. My nurse Cindy shift ended at 3 p.m. but she wanted to stay and get this boy born. She by far was the best nurse I had during my whole time there! My labor was so fantastic I would do it all over again. It's even left me with the idea that perhaps Dh and I could add another baby in a couple of years :) But then again Dh is saying he is done :)

Introducing Jaxon Charles!!

2011-07-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

He's here!

Born 7/20/11
7lbs 10oz
3:12 p.m.
20.5 inches long!

I am so in love! I'm still at the hospital but will come and write my birth story!

Enjoy the pic!

39 Weeks & Induction Date

2011-07-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

I am now 39 weeks pregnant today (well okay tomorrow)but it's close enough! I've had some contractions, they are not consistant nor are they painful. I swear my body just doesn't know how to go into natural labor on it's own. I was hoping that I would just be at work and BAM..my water would break. It would atleast be exciting right? Well it doesn't look like that will be my luck. Tomorrow is my last day of work..woo hoo! I made it to 39 weeks and I know there is no way I could have made it to 40 weeks working. It's just getting harder and harder to get up and move around. Baby has dropped as my belly is much lower. I will take a belly shot in my bathing suit this weekend since it's suppose to be high 80's and 90's! I'll be hitting the river.

It is crazy how fast this pregnancy has gone by for me. Part of it must have been that the first trimester was a blurr..I really tried not to think about what was happening. The second trimester pretty much the same thing until my 20 week ultrasound and then I just fell in love. Yes, I have been a raging pregnant lady and yes my husband has probably suffered but seriously he shouldn't be surprised since this is how I was during our first pregnancy. Although, I do feel a bit bad for those time I yelled at him.

So..my husband also informed me that I need to drop these 20lbs and then some so that I can be his arm candy--since he is getting his balls snipped. LOL I laughed my ass off on that one. Listen if I am gonna get all skinny it's gonna be for me not so I can be a show piece. Also, I really don't think I look all that bad..yeah I could lose about 40 pounds total--and yes I plan to have a breast reduction which will help immensely with the back pain I have and the larger top heavy look that I have going on. But honesly, I have a curvy athletic body and I don't mind not having super long lanky skinny legs..and let's face it. 5 pregnancies later...my stomach will never look like it did when I was 18. So my love, you have me at my 32 year old self, stretch marks, saggy belly and maybe a dimple or two on my ass but it's me..take it or leave it :)

Okay so back to the pregnancy stuff..
What will I miss most about being pregnant--

Watching my belly move
Feeling Hiccups
Pushing on a foot and having the baby push back
My belly
Listening to the heart beat in the womb
Eating icecream and not worrying about what people might say..even if I have it everyday :)
Shopping for baby supplies (I love me some thrift and consignment shopping)
Going to the OB/GYN clinic and feeling ok with sitting among other pregnant people..but still mindful that others may be there wanting what I have--
Dh rubbing my belly, DS rubbing my belly and driving his cars over it.

What I won't miss
Is MORNING SICKNESS--26 weeks of it.
Not being able to breath walking up the stairs
Puffy feet
Watching the scale go up :)
Not being able to play my summer sports
Maternity clothes (yes, I have cute ones..but seriously a $200 wardrobe buys very little)
My 2yr old jumping on my belly and wanting to constantly stick his finger in my belly button.
Constipation

So for now...I will be pregnant for atleast 5 more days! As excited as I am to meet my little baby..I can't believe that it's all about to end. I wanted to be here so bad in the beginning but now am realizing that I will truley miss being pregnant.

Full Term!

2011-07-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I made it! Today I am full term and I finally believe that if this baby comes anyday now..it will all be ok. I'm excited and can't wait to meet him! I'm, nervous, wondering if my body will remember what to do. I gained two pounds this past week. I have no idea how--my appetite has decreased immensley. I took a picture of my belly in the bath last night and my two year old shouts out..BABY BELLY..yup I have a baby belly. It took until 36 weeks to realize that "Holy Sh%*t" I am actually having a baby.

So here I wait with anticipation and excitment. Wondering if I will be induced or it my body will just do what it needs to do. My boss wants my water to break at work as wierd as that is..she's more excited then I am.

I've been taking pictures all along and I am still very much carrying just in my belly! I've gained a total of 17lbs at this point and I'm very happy about that. I know that atleast 10 of those pounds are all related to the baby.

So here we go...20 days left and then it's count down time! Little J we are excited to see you arrive and can't wait to see who you look like.

Almost 36 weeks!

2011-06-22T12:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was not a good day at all..I was utterly sick! No sleep and could not keep anything in my system at all. I was afraid of severe dyhdration! Called the Dr. office and it took the nurse FOREVER to call me back. Okay maybe it was 30 mintues but I called three times in that 30 minutes because I wasn't sure if I was in labor or not since my back was killing me too...

Turns out I had the 24hr bug or food posioning. Being 9mths pregnant and having those symptoms I would not wish on anyone! We had a great appointment otherwise. Baby weighs about 5lbs 15oz and is in the 46% percentile. I'm not having a monster baby after all!! Woo Hoo! In the last two weeks, although I will admit I have eaten a lot of icecream I have gained NO weight..lol (I'm sure the vomiting and diahrea contributed to that)

So for now here is a picture of the little guy...

Happy Birthday JOEY!!

2011-06-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my beautiful boy's second birthday! What an amazing year it has been for us. We will be celebrating his party on Saturday, in the local park with a Mickey Mouse theme. This boy loves his "Micka Mouse." We are not having a huge party this year,just Grandma and Grandpa and my brother and my niece and newphews. So between 10-15 people. I've invited a daycare friend, who also was adopted from Korea last year.

Joseph has had an amazing year. He speaks some Korean, Spanish can do sign language and is our Mr. Chatterbox. He can recite his ABC's and say his numbers 1-10. He speaks full sentences and it's amazing to actually carry on a conversation with him.

I also have to take time to think of his birth family...today they are probably hurting a bit, wondering how he is doing and if he is happy. I've not had any contact with them since April of 2010..and even then it was just the letters and gifts they sent to Joseph when he came home and a letter to us. I have a package prepared and will be mailing it out to them..I wanted it postmarked for today, so they knew I was thinking about them on his birthday..but I also want to send them a special gift and I just haven't found the "right" one yet. I've also had a lot on my plate this month with the home renovations, planning this party and being in my last trimester..I'm ususally in bed by 9:00 p.m.

So Joey---Mommy loves you so much and I can't wait for you to become a big brother because I know you are going to be such a big helper. I love you!

34 Weeks and Revelation.

2011-06-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today I am officially 34 weeks. I can't believe that I am nearing the end of my pregnancy. This pregnancy has been textbook just like my first sons. I told my Dr. at my visit on Wed that I was getting anxiety that this pregnancy is going so well that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. He chuckled and told me, "You sound just like my wife." lol. So yea, as irrational as it may be I am worried that I might still have complications. He told me not to worry that he has no concerns at all. My BP is GREAT 117/72 last time it was checked. (I've relaxed a bit more) since we are past viability and the baby would be just fine if he was born now. In fact my good friend who was due 18 days before me had her baby 6 weeks early and even though little Charley spent 5 days in the NICU he was never on oxygen and they sent him home last Friday. He's doing great might I add! It's amazing to look back over the past 5 years of my life. I never would have believed 5 years ago, that I would have two amazing additions in my life. I was in my darkest, deepest place and it was not a good place. I was so depressed and things were no going well for me professionally or personally. I hated myself for being so broken.

It wasn't until I decided in 2008, that we were meant to adopt. Nobody will ever be able to tell me that this was not GOD's doing, Joey was meant to come to our family and baby boy was meant to be conceived 6mths after Joseph's arrival. I'd say my life is perfect..right now but that's not quite accurate either. I'm in a much better place, more confident and proud of the woman I am. I don't depend on anyone for anything and I am in a place professionally that allows me to support my family without the need of dual incomes.

It's refreshing to know that at 32 years old I am finally at that place, the good ole "Adult" place. Dh once said to me that I have changed from the woman that he first met 14 years ago..I replied, Of Course, I was 17 and it's only natural and normal for a person to "grow" up. Although Dh and I still struggle to find a balance in our marriage..I can only hope that he decides to walk beside me and not behind me. I don't know what the next 5 years will be like but I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever life throws my way.

Unknown..

2011-05-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've decided not to title this post because I really don't know what exactly I would title it. I feel like my life is falling apart. Like I am losing grip on everything or that things are spiraling out of control. I'm one person and being pulled in so many directions. My amazing son, Christian is entering some kind of tween stage (Puberty?) and he is just not the same. He is more into his texting, Ipod than even spending quality time with his family. He seems so withdrawn and combative. I ask him to do something and he won't, he fights me on simple things like helping carry his clothes upstairs to be put away. I'm very careful not to ask him too much to help with Joseph..with getting a diaper, or sippy cup but being that I am 8mths pregnant it's hard to get up and down with a toddler on my lab. I know that Dh has been doing the same thing. Dh has GOT to step it up..it's annoying that he thinks he can still have the same lifestyle as we had when we had one kid..playing music shows, late nights, little sleep and trying to care for a toddler during the day. I try to be empathetic but it's really just turning into frustration and anger. I'm feeling like I blame him for the changes in our kids that I see. Joseph is at the terrible two's no doubt! We have to have consistant parenting with him, meaning that he has to SLEEP in his own room for atleast part of the night--he can't throw as temper tantrum and get away with throwing and hitting things. He needs constant reassurance that I am going to come home. He gets so upset every morning when I have to get up for work..throws a fit and then gets over it. I'm always careful to say goodbye, I love you and I will be home in a bit. I understand he has no linear knowledge of time so if Dh would keep him occupied throughout the day..instead of just letting him run the house..maybe he wouldn't feel the need to be so clingy when I get home.

The worst part is that I am exhausted after putting in a 9hr day, coming home and being attentive to my kids. Reading books, doing homework, making dinner at this time it's probably close to 8:30. I finally am able to sit down--tried to watch a movie with oldest son last night Harry Potter and fell asleep. He woke me up at 9:40and we decided it was time for bed. I feel spent and guilty because I can't do it all. How the hell am I going to manage this with three kids..a newborn, a high needs toddler, and a 12 year old that is just getting used to sharing me.

I want to so enjoy my pregnancy..baby kicks and baby hiccups! I don't want to be tired and crabby. I want to be treated like a queen, what happened to foot rubs, back rubs, I had to beg to get time to have my hair cut. I need a pedicure and want a massage too..but again feel guilty for wanting to do something for me.

Okay so this rant post made me feel a bit better but again it will probably all start over again tomorrow. It's nice to have an outlet though so atleast I can feel like some of this is getting off my chest.

Thanks,
Jackie

2011-05-19T09:12:00.001-07:00

30 Weeks!

2011-05-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm 30 weeks today and baby boy is weighing in at an impressive 3 pounds 13 oz! Blood pressure was great 120/80 and I am up a total of 11 pounds! I will get another u/s in 4 weeks to check to see how large he is. I finally got to see his little face even though he was hiding behind his arm.

I saw his feet too! So glad I had the good u/s tech yesterday! All in all the baby is doing great. He is still in a breech position but they tell me he has a lot of time to turn and move head down..at least 25% of babies at this point have not turned so I figure he is just stubborn like his mother. I'm still saying a he even though Sandy didn't check again yesterday and the first u/s tech was "so-so" but I feel comfortable calling him a boy..I'm carrying the same as I did with Christian.

Crazy how fast this pregnancy has flow by..I know a lot has to do with the fact that I was so disconnected for the first few months because I didn't want to have a broken heart. I'm so thankful to be where I am now and that I am in the home stretch..I'm still nervous of course but each day we get closer to full term the better I feel about him coming into this world safely. I'm even fine with having a c-section if he continues to be breeched. I just want whats best for this little man and can't wait until he arrives.

29 Weeks! We've got a big one :)

2011-05-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm actually 29 weeks and 6 days but I'm rounding ahead and saying 30 weeks especially after today's u/s. Baby is measuring around 32 weeks and weigh 3lbs 13oz..So he is in the 77 percentile. Dr. Wright said he's a big but they are not too concerned yet as he isn't in the 90th percentile. It was enough for him to say that he wants me to have another u/s around 34 or 36 weeks to check to see how big this baby is getting.

I instantly had lots of questions, he's breeched..when will he turn? If he gets too big will they induce? Nope, they don't induce based on size so he could be a 9 or 10pounder if he continues to gain 1/2 pund each week. I'm up a total of 11 pounds this pregnancy and I'm saying half of that is directly related to my fluid, placenta, and the babies weight. The count down is really on now..10 weeks and baby boy is a good size already (almost 4lbs..I'm still in shock)

I feel great and although I feel like my bump is tiny everything is measuring the way it should..my due date won't be adjusted so in 10 weeks a new baby will be here since I have been promised that I won't go overdue. I had some great pictures today as the baby finally cooperated and I was able to see his profile, foot and 3-D of his face. He still likes to keep his arm over his face though. My BP was PERFECT at 120/80..what a relief that is! I always worry about how my BP will be as it really depends on the nurse taking it. I'll add pictures when I get a chance. I just need to scan them.

Baby J will be here in no time. Time to take a new belly picture.

29 weeks 3 days

2011-05-09T11:09:00.001-07:00

Today I am 29 weeks and 3 days pregnant and boy am I starting to feel it. I've realized that I easily am out of breath even when I speak..apparently baby boy likes to put pressure on my diaphram. I'm up 9lbs total this pregnancy and I feel huge already. Even though people will say you look great and don't even look 7 months pregnant. I know this is meant to be a compliment but it really bothers me because either they think I have eaten a basketball or I am just fat..I have an obvious baby bump even when wearing non maternity shirts (which I can still fit--those ones with stretch anyway)

What I miss is being spoiled, I feel like my dh should be treating me like a princess instead I spent my mothers day fighting with kids, driving to 3 hardware stores and spending over 3 hours looking for the hardware to build the benches I wanted for my my deck with dh (since he is so very organized) and coming home with nothing but three bags of mulch that apparently I will be spreading later this evening. My dh even had the audacity to take a bubble bath downstairs for over an hour while I lay very pregnant upstairs fighting with my 2 year old that insisted it was time to eat. The worst part is that I can't sleep and there is no real space for me to move to sleep better..we have no extra room and no extra bed unless I want to climb up ds bunk bed and sleep on the top..so last night I slept in the couch which was very uncomfortable btw, because our toddler INSIST that he can't sleep through the night and needs to be in my bed..I just don't have the energy to fight with him and apparently dh is no help.

This post is whining, I understand that but I really want to get off my chest these things that are bothering me. Each morning I am late to work by 10 minutes because my husband can't seem to get motivated to get ds moving when I am in the shower..I'm really starting to get pissed off at him and I know a lot of my frustration is really because my hormones are going crazy but his lack of "caring" is irritating me. I told him I had to pack my hospital bag next week and he said, "Really?" Are you excited..and I replied "no, not really because I have no place to put this baby" he promptly cut me off and told me he didn't want to hear my negativity. Some how he thinks that my oldest son's room is going to magically remodel itself and that he
has all the time in the world to get the babies crib, room painted and things all in order. All the while I want to NEST..I have everything I need but want to wash baby clothing, set the room up and feel ready because given this is my second birthed child he may not wait until 40 weeks..I have a feeling he will be coming sooner..

So yes, this is a whining post and I apologize but I needed to vent...and I actually feel better after doing so. I'm looking forward to the fact that I have maybe 10.5 weeks to go and well my little bundle of love will be here soon. I can't wait to see him on Thursday on my u/s and hope that we get better pictures this time around since last time we did not have a very good tech as she was training.

I'll update after my Thursday appt.

26 weeks and 4 days

2011-04-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

Today I am 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm still fearful that something will go wrong with this pregancy. I can't help but feel a bit robbed of the experience because I can't let go of the fear. This pregnancy has been nothing but normal and I have passed all tests with flying colors. My weight gain is low, my BP is great and I passed my GD test. I feel this little guy moving everyday and even though I have an anterior placenta I can still feel his little kicks and punches.

My ankles have started to swell a bit at night but only when I wear my heels at work. I've noticed I am more out of breath than normal but I know that has to do with him being so high and having less lung space to breathe. I can feel him right under my breasts so I know he is super high. I'm so in love with him already!

I've just started telling myself that it's okay to shop for him, I bought a co-sleeper and have bought a few clothes but nothing substanial yet. I feel sad because he is likely not to have his own room for awhile until dh and I start renovating the basement and making our master bedroom downstairs. This will leave all the kids upstairs..not ideal but necessary as our family expands. I have four kitchen table chairs and never thought we would need to add another. I feel blessed and can't wait to hold this little guy in my arms.

After next week I begin to see the Dr every two weeks and I have to pre-register with the hospital at around 28 weeks (so next week sometime) I've bought Joseph a baby to help him adjust to the idea of a baby coming home but I'm not sure he gets it. He does out his little baby in the pack and play but again he knows Mommy has a baby in her tummy but he doesn't understand that this baby will be coming out soon..in like 13 weeks soon!

I pray that my delivery is normal and that I can enjoy it. I have this vision of being able to reach down and lift my little one onto my chest after he is born. I can't believe that we are almost to that point. I wonder what he will look like, will he look like Larry or will he look like me. Will he have brown eyes? Will he be a he? The ultrasound tech we had was not really good..I'm hoping that the Dr gives me another ultrasound to check growth. At 25 weeks I was measuring right on track! I liked the Dr. I met last week but will be really upset if Dr. V delivers me as I am not fond of her.

25 Weeks!

2011-04-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

We have made it past viability to 25 weeks! I have my glucose test this week and if I pass that then we breath a sigh or relief..this pregnancy has been so normal thus far. I have an anterior placenta and can feel him kick and move but there are periods of times that he is deep in my pelvic and I don't feel him that often..I'm so glad I have my doppler still!

Other drama in my life is that Joseph's daycare gave me 17 days notice that they were closing the doors..talk about FREAKING out! My son has been through so many transitions is his little life that another BIG move was really upsetting to me. Luckily, I have an amazing friend who is also an adoptive parent to a Korean boy that is 4 months younger than Joseph and we both attend the same daycare...Well she found a PERFECT fit for us! We got the last two spots in the center, both boys did not want to leave and I'm excited that Joseph will only be around 8 kids total and not the 13 he is around now..they are also adding to their license to take care of infants, so my problem may be SOLVED long term too!

We've decided on a name, it is still top secret but I can tell you it is JCA!

I can't believe in 15 weeks (If I go to 40) I will have a NEW baby in the house..super excited!

It's a........

2011-03-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

BOY! We are expecting a healthy baby boy!!! He is currently 14 oz already! I've only gained three pounds so far so everything is going well. I feel good, occasional backaches but other than that all is well. My BP is always slightly elevated when I come to the DR office because of my past pregnancy losses so I take it at home and it's perfect 117/74. The Dr has asked me to keep a log and he will see me in 4 weeks..the next big test is to pass the glucose test. Out with the sweets and in with the veggies. I'm also working out more so that I can do all that I need to for this baby. I'm excited to finally be able to relax and enjoy this little one!

20 Weeks..140 more days to go!

2011-03-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

Today I am 20 weeks! The baby is so much stronger as I am starting to really feel those kicks. Last night was the first time I put my hand on my belly and the baby kicked I could feel it on the outside!

I have a nice round preggo belly now-I need another belly shot for my scrap book! Next Wed at 20wks 5 days we find out if you are a boy or girl. I don't care either way I just want to know that you are healthy!

It's starting to feel very real..I have been disconnected just kind of waiting to see what would happen throughout this pregnancy and for the first time last night I smiled so big when I felt you kick my hand. I'm so in love with you already and I can't wait to meet you in July.

Joseph and Christian are getting more excited. I worry how Joey will handle the transition of a new baby in the house. We have yet to get him to sleep throughout the night (he woke up once last night but was able to get himself back to sleep)Joseph is so very attached to me and I don't want any regression or sadness when he meets his brother or sister. I know that we have challenges in our future that we will need to face when it comes to adoption and sibling rivarly (they are very seperate issues) but I think the better we can prepare Joseph the stronger he will be to deal with these types of issues or feelings. I'm sensitive to his needs and will do the best I can to help him have a smooth transition. It was so cute that when he saw his baby cousin Zaya (she is 12mths) he would feed her a bottle and stroke her face...he was very good with her.

16 Weeks 5 days Pregnant

2011-02-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

Had a good OB appointment today..baby HB was 160 and everything is measuring how it should. I didn't get an u/s but we could hear the baby kick the doppler. However, my BP was elevated a bit 140/90...I was VERY anxious during the appointment so I'm hoping it was nerves or running through the parking lot..it didn't help that the office was 30 minutes behind schedule and I had time to sit there and stew about what could go wrong. My OB was not concerned about my BP, I think it could have been the nurse too but who knows.

So the plan is..to take my BP each morning and record it, drink water..water..water and eat beets! I'm back to fruits/salads and healthy food all the way. I gained 4lbs this month which is only 2lbs above my pre BFP weight...still 4lbs??? I'm sure some of it was from not being able to urinate and they didn't take a sample today so I had to hold it the WHOLE appointment.

I'm hoping that these changes will help my BP issue since I never had problems before I was pregnant or when I was pregnant with ds and 17 weeks is a bit early to have BP issues.

Jackie

Almost 16 weeks!

2011-02-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

I'm just now starting to get my baby bump. After all it's been 12 years since I have been pregnant. My boys are super excitied, even though C was a bit shocked at first I think he is coming around. I can't believe that after all this time I am actually carrying the miracle baby that I have dreamt about for so long. I still have much faith is God and know that it was his will that brought Joseph to his forever family and that we were chosen to be his parents. Everything just feels like it is the way it's suppose to be right now.

I wish that I could relax during this pregnany and enjoy every minute of it as I know this is my last. I still find myself worrying, using my doppler almost everyday and waiting to feel some movement. I keep telling myself that maybe after our 20 week u/s I will relax but in reality I know I will be counting down the weeks to viability. Slowly I have begun to share my news with people around me but I am still very guarded with my colleagues at work. My large shirts are helping to hide my belly and not wearing maternity pants has been a plus..although I can't button my pants anymore :)

My m/s has gotten better, I still have moments in the morning where I might gag when brushing my teeth or if I don't eat protein before bed. Other than that I feel fantastic, which gives me another reason to worry..maybe I feel too good. It's a contant worry and I am sure that I will be like this throughout the pregnancy but I am really trying to just relax since the control freak inside of me can't do a darn thing but just be healthy for the baby that is growing inside of me. So far I am down 3lbs this pregnant..which is fantastic! I bet I will have gained some back come my next appt (which is next week) since my appetite has returned. The only annoying thing is that my fingers on my right hand go numb and apparently this is pregnancy induced carpel tunnel..the increased blood flow restricts the nerves causing a tingling sensation..(google is great at times)

C is turning 12 in 12 days and I can't believe it! Joseph is 19mths now and talking up a storm. He cracks me up daily and is just a ham. He still winks, and loves to give kisses. This winter has been a bit rough for him as we have battled bronchitis but his personality just shows through and he is a very happy baby.

Wow...We are PREGNANT!

2011-01-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

Baby Ticker - The Baby Countdown Pregnancy Tickergreat free widgetsWidgetboxMore info

Today I am 14 weeks after being shocked to find out around Thanksgiving we were pregnant! How does that happen? Obviously I know HOW it happens but for us this is just amazing! 5 years of TTC #2, Infertility Treatments and Adoption of our beautiful son! We are in awe and Thank God everyday for the blessings we have received. Obviously, each week that goes by I am still very nervous and scared..I'm learning to live each day in the NOW and enjoy being pregnant! The m/s is almost all the way gone and my face..well let's just say you can connect the dots, my energy is returning and our last u/s the baby waved at me! Heatbeat has been seen three times and I can hear it on my home doppler so Feb 9th will be our next appt and I will be around 16.5 weeks!

Wow!

Finalization Update!

2010-10-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

We have finalized our adoption of our little pumpkin as of 10/01/10! We are forever named his parents!!! I am so happy to be blessed with such an amazing son!

Enjoy our "Yeah for USA" chant!

Almost 14 Months!!! Home for 5 Months Already

2010-08-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

Our beautiful baby boy has been home for almost 5 months and he has adjusted so beautifully!

I am back to work full-time and Joseph goes to daycare for three days a week. Leaving mommy in the morning is hard on both of us, but I am able to watch him on a TV monitor and see that he is playing so well with all his new friends. He's in a room with kids that are all his age and lead by teachers that have degrees in Early Childhood Education. Of course I would much rather be home with him but I must admit that when I pick him up and he runs into my arms with his beautiful smile and lays his head on my shoulders...I fall in love all over again.

It is amazing these last 5 months have brought me the most joy and fulfillment that I could ever ask for. I can honestly say that all the waiting was so so so so worth it and it's a distant memory from the past. God answered my prayers and the prayers of Joseph's birth family as they prayed he would go to a loving family and that he would adjust well. I am forever grateful to them and their unconditional love....

Just the Four of Us

2010-05-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

It feels like it's been forever since I've blogged. Life with a new baby has made us more busy then ever and we have always been a family on the go. Baseball has started for C and softball for me. It takes us literally two hours to get everyone ready and out the door.

I'm enjoying my time off work and can't believe the last month has just flown by. I dread the day I have to leave the baby at daycare. I'm thankful that he will only have to go two days a week but still it breaks my heart knowing that I will be working full time again. That's what happens when you carry the medical benefits for your family. I love working for a university, as I've had so many doors opened. It's just that I have waited 5 years for my baby.

Joseph is adjusting so well. I believe in my heart that he knows he is with his forever family. He is slowly sleeping better and has reduced his bottles as he is now eating solid foods. He is a BIG co-sleeper and it's likely that he will never sleep the night through in a crib. We are working on getting him to feel more secure and last night I was able to get him to sleep without a bottle. The ergo has been a life Savior.

For now here are some new pictures.

Picture Sunday.....

2010-04-25T11:25:00.001-07:00

We are home and.....

2010-04-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

Joseph is adjusting well. He even has a sweet cry! He has taken to me quite well and is even begun to sleep in his crib for small amounts of time. He still wakes at 4am and wants to play but we have plenty of time to get him adjusted. I won't sugar coat things and tell you that is has been easy because it really has been an adjustment for both of us. I'm not used to waking up before the sun comes up and I still have my 11 year old that I have to get on the bus and do homework with. Soon though our routine will become our new normal. I know that my dream has come true, Joseph is a perfect addition to our family and I can't wait to watch him grow into a fine young man. He wasn't too fond of our dog at first but T-bone won him over and is so protective our our little boy! He even chased a lurking cat off our property..it was so funny.

For now enjoy some pics of our boy....

All we need is you....

2010-04-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

TC TC TC...for me

2010-03-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

HE IS COMING!!! APRIL 9th is the day!!!

We are finally going to be a family of FOUR!!!

OMG, I am so EXCITED!!!!

Do you believe in DESTINY?

2010-03-22T07:54:00.001-07:00

It's amazing to reflect back on the past five years and really see what lead my family on this journey from God to our son. He was chosen for us long before we knew he was to be our son. I see the signs, early in this journey I had a dream about a little boy and a flash in my dream went to a calender on a wall with the date November 21st circled. I saw it plain as day and I didn't know what that date meant..it was July of 08. On November 21, 2009 we were notified that we were put on the list in Korea waiting for our match. This date became an important marker for us. Fate? Destiny? or just craziness? I'll never really understand but I've had several visions in my life that have proved to be true..I won't bore you with those only to say that my family believes I have a "sixth" sense. It's wierd but I have known since I was six years old that I wanted to adopted an Asian baby. God gave me the tools, and the timeline and told me when I was to embark on this journey~I just had to clear my head and listen.

So we received the referral of our son, and I was so lucky last week as we wait to get the travel call to see a video that showed his personality. Our boy loves music and to "Bang" on things. Pretty typical of 9 month old behavior but he is a ham! In the video you can hear the escorts say over and over, you are such a little musician and you are a little drummer, you need a drum kit for your b-day. The escorts have no idea who this little boy is going to..our social worker told us he is certianly going to the right family. Why? Well my dh is a musician and he plays the guitar and right now is in a band as the drummer. He never had formal lessons and he is AMAZING. It's fate? or am I reading too much into it? Then I was telling my SW about a Korean song I am teaching myself from YouTube, I started to sing it to her and told her that I felt drawn to this song about a month ago. She stopped and looked at me with a strange look and said WHOA.. you gotta see this? We continued watching the video and all of a suddend ds's foster mother began to sing a song and ds started dancing to it....IT'S THE SAME SONG! There are hundreds and thousands of Korean nursery songs out there and we just happen to choose the ONE that his foster mother sings to him? DESTINY? He was chosen for our family, I couldn't have picked him out, God Chose him for us. His initials are the same as dh's dad's, we did not change his name as he was given a Christian name...my oldests son's name is Christian. There are so many reasons why I believe he was chosen for our family, it's amazing. I believe in destiny, fate and that he was meant for us. I am so thankful for his birth mothers strength, courage and love. We are forever linked!

Baby Update

2010-03-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

He has three teeth!
21 pounds
Does not like solid food
Loves Music, Dances when sung to. (Daddy loves this, perhaps he got the little musician he always wanted)
Easy going
Sleeps in a crib and sometimes with Foster Mom and Dad
He is crawling and pulling up now...

Please hurry home, it's amazing that in three months you are now so independant little man. Mommy loves you and can't wait to see you!

We are close.....

2010-03-16T13:06:00.001-07:00

I can feel it! I just sense that we are close.

WE GOT IT!!! Updated!!

2010-03-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

I-171 Approval!!

WOO HOO! One step closer to TC!!

NVC OUT TODAY! 3/11/2010 Have no idea when we were NVC in but out is most important! I have a feeling that ds has already received his EP since the agency wanted me to get some materials to them ASAP because the Korean agency wanted to apply for his visa under the 2009 figures and not the 2010..since their is a quota! I'm so happy that we didn't have any quota issues. So...is praying for him to be home before Easter too much to ask:) I can't believe this is REALLY happening!

The "Baby" Bucket List

2010-03-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

So since the waiting is getting to me, I came up with an idea of things to do or things I would like to do before he comes home. I have to remember that it has been 11 years since I had a baby in the house and A LOT of that me time I am use to will be gone very soon...so I pledge to do atleast one of these things a week or more if I get the chance before the baby arrives. Atleast, this should keep me busy!

1. Take a mini trip, not planned just go.
2. Take an hour spa bath with my favorite magazine (accomplished)
3. Sleep in until 10am
4. Take a mid afternoon nap (accomplished)
5. Go to the casino (accomplished)
6. Get my hair cut, highlighted and styled (accomplished)
7. Get my eyebrows waxed and shaped and lash tinted
8. Get a manicure and pedicure (accomplished)
9. Go dancing with my girls!
10 Watch a scary movie (accomplished)
11 Go out to dinner with just dh
12 Spend all day at the mall, by myself.
13 Talk on the phone with a friend for 2 hours
14 Play Mario Brothers with "C" until our fingers hurt..LOL (accomplished)
15 Go watch dh play a gig
16 Play volleyball and raquetball weekly (accomplished)
17 Drink a cup of coffee in the morning sunshine (accomplished)
18 Prepare and cook a fancy meal
19 Take a long walk in the woods
20 Spend an afternoon with just ds doing just what he wants

This should help pass the time!

Thanks Natalie!

2010-03-04T14:12:00.001-08:00

Way to Go South Korea

2010-02-26T09:16:00.000-08:00

It brought tears to my eyes. Her performace was emotional and mesmorizing. I was secretly rooting for you! You did it! You brought home the Gold! Kim Yu-Na you were graceful and I somehow felt more connected to my son by watching you. I could only imagine his foster family gathered around to watch this amazing event.

Have you heard anything yet?

2010-02-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

NO! I want to scream that answer to everyone that asks me..some ask me daily and I am so annoyed with the question. My gosh if I heard something I would SCREAM it to everyone. I hate this part-I'm so annoyed with this process right now and waiting for my I600 to be processed. Why does it take so long? We have I600A approval and now we are going on 7 weeks since we had our I600 submitted. It's annoying that it took 15 days to get it to the USCIS office and then it takes two weeks to send a receipt and another 2 weeks to send the acknowledgement letter. Why? It's paperwork that is all! You have everything you need and I have been very diligent about doing my part..why can't I be shown the same respect? Today he is 8 months and 5 days old and now it's been two weeks since my last "letter" from USCIS. How long will it take to process? I was hoping he would be home end of March but at this rate there is NO way. I wanted to meet him when he was 9 months but now it's probably closer to 11 months..I am so grouchy that I can't be fun to be around right now. So honey, I apologize in advance. I can't focus and I stalk my mailbox. I even get mad a dh for checking it before I get home. Crazy! I somehow think that if I check it the approval notice will be in there. I can only pray that he has everything he needs on the Korean side since the US side is so unbelievable slow...I've said it all along, once I get through this process I am writing letters to the USCIS Director and to the President offering suggestion of how to streamline the process and a way to save the American Government hundreds of thousands of dollars at the same time.

So, for today. Have you heard anything yet I know is not a cruel way to rub it in that I haven't heard anything, I know you genuinly care, but I am so sad inside that this question forces me to think about my son, my son who is doing amazing things that I will never see in Korea. My son who I yearn for and who I love so deeply it pains me. I only pray that this process moves quickly..we get that I-171 and our son comes home..sometime very soon.

Love to all-and sorry for being so grumpy.

To My Valentine Babies

2010-02-10T11:49:00.000-08:00

I've never written my birth story before...so I feel compelled to write it.

Almost 11 years ago I was induced to give birth to my oldest son. I remember it like it was yesterday. We arrived at the hospital at 8:00am, I had been up since 5:00 that morning. I was excited and scared at the same time. I was so ready to have my baby considering he was already 10 days overdue. I was asked to pick what day I wanted to be induced and it was to be Friday or Monday. I chose Friday considering I thought I'd have him in less than 24hrs and the 12th seemed like a good day.

My doctor checked me at 10pm on the 12th and indicated I was only dialated to a 4. I was crushed. My spirit was broken not to mention I was tired and hungry. We asked when we might be ready and she (my doctor) replied by 3:00am. OH MAN! That seemed so far away. I couldn't do it anymore, my mind felt broken and my body was exhausted and so at this point I asked for an epidural. Once receiving the epidural I was able to fall asleep and before I knew it it was time to push. It took me an hour of solid pushing to get the little guy out but he was born on Feb 13, 1999 at 3:00am on the dot. Weighing in at 7 pounds 12 oz with a 13 inch head. Imagine my surprise when 3 has become his lucky number. He was also born with a unique birthmark on his chest. It's a small upside down heart..so he was and truly is my Valentine Baby. The minute he was born he could lift his head and he turned to look right at my dh. This is a moment that we will always treasure as a family. I was a young mom, only 20 at the time, however I can say that this blessed event was more powerful then anything I have ever experienced.

Today, I reflect on his birth story, realizing that it will probably be my only birth story and I feel saddened because I don't and can't share this story with Joseph. I am hoping that his arrival story will be one magical moment and a moment that only I can have with my son. This moment with and is his "birth" story. The love I feel in my heart is so similar to the love I felt when C was born. I long for him to be home, I hurt wondering if he is okay I pray that his foster family is loving him as much as I already love him. I lay in bed at night dreaming of what he might be doing, how his voice sounds. Does he have his first tooth yet? Will he be home in time for his first Easter? Mothers Day? Fathers Day? I feel empty not having my family complete and I can only hope that our paperwork gets processed quickly. Come on USCIS, process his Visa and get my son home.

Update~

2010-01-11T13:54:00.001-08:00

We got an update with some new pictures!! Can I say I'm in love!
Joseph is 20lbs and sits up assisted. He's 6 months old in WBC. Also, he has grown so much since his picture! He has a full head of black hair and this boy sleeps from 10pm to 7am! I can so live with that! Let's hope we can keep that schedule!

I've also been told that our I-600 has been sent! Woo hoo! This is so exciting!!!

We still think he will be home end of March early April as the gotcha day!

More to come! I'll post pictures when I can scan them!

On 12/22 He weighed 20.9lbs and was 27.6 inches!

PLESAE USCIS PROCESS THAT PAPERWORK QUICKLY!!!!

Happy New Year!

2009-12-30T18:05:00.000-08:00

As this year comes to an end...I am reminded that I have been in the adoption process since July of 2008. As we inch closer and closer, I can't believe the amount of time that has been devoted to this journey and I can't imagine us taking any other path. As I stare at my son's pictures and dream about what our children will do together, I am filled with such hope. Someone once said "believe." This is the time that I truly believe miracles happen. Life happens and we respond to it. I was chosen! My family was chosen for this. I can't wait to see what 2010 brings. How our lives will change and how we will change.

Dh and I were talking the other night and as we are both not sure what the future holds we know that we couldn't ask for anything else in our lives. We've had heartache, suffering immense amounts of joy and sadness but through it all we are more committed to each other then ever. We found each other by chance, and we made a family that I couldn't be more proud of. I've always said that 2006 was the worst year ever...and it's looking like 2009 may be the best year yet!

14 years ago I had a choice, a choice that could have changed my life forever. I don't know where I would be today, but I am certainly glad that I chose the alternative route. Life hasn't been easy, but it's my life. (Was that Jon and Kate?) Kidding aside, I'm proud of the woman I have become, the goals I have achieved and I have so much more life ahead of me. Miracles come in pairs...and in our case miracles come from the other side of the world. We can't wait to get you home little man. Love Mom, Dad and C!

Drum Roll............Meet Joseph

2009-12-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

He is PERFECT! I can't stop staring at his picture!!!

Referral..... it's a boy!

2009-12-03T12:59:00.000-08:00

I'm the proud mother of two gorgeous boys! I've wondered how I would write this blog entry...God knows I've had time to think about it.LOL

My son's name is Joseph and he is beautiful. I'm excited to get him home and I know these next few months are going to be trying. I'll post pictures as soon as I'm assured my paperwork is off...

Pictures to come soon!

And it's November....

2009-11-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

Another month is going by and I don't know where thing are going. I'm starting to feel frustrated with this whole process. Why are we going on 1 year of waiting??? In the beginning I was told that we would be done with this process in 2009. Why was I told this? So many have received their referrals and the family that was 8 weeks ahead of us has been home with their son now since September. God please, I'm so ready for it to be my turn. It's been 5 years of waiting for our second child and I feel like my life has been on hold.

To the adoption angels out there...we are ready! We have everything we need for our baby and we are ready! Please let tomorrow be the day.

J

It's official-I'm old!

2009-10-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well it's October already and I can't believe the kind of summer we had. It was so cool this summer that we didn't get a lot of camping in. In fact we camped for 1.5 days, yeah just 1.5 days. So sad! Our family LOVES to camp and kayak and be outside and this summer it was so cool and rainy. Fall is not shaping up to be any better. I actually started looking for one of those bike pedals you put under your desk for excersise because lord knows I can't walk in a down pour!

So what does this title mean on my blog? Well it's official I've reached the I'm getting old and my body is changing stage (or realization). I officially have stretch marks that will never go away. Although I am ever so thankful for those stretch marks because they mark the arrival of my son. The other part I am not so thankful about and that is my first varicose vein on my thigh. My mother has terrible veins and I always knew that I would probably get them too. But at 30? That's seems way too early and let's face it I'm still concerned with the way I look. I know a lot of it has to do with my job. I sit for TOO LONG everyday!9hrs too long! I try to get up often and go upstairs or take a walk but it's often not possible-and lets see, oh yeah the other reason is I need to lose 20lbs..atleast. I plan on closing my eyes when I get on the scale tomorrow for my lovely yearly dr visit. But regardless of all of this I am still happy to be me! With all that I have been through in the past 4 years to be here today (and everyday is still a challenge) to be optomistic is so worth the journey I have traveled.

I figure our adoption referral HAS to be close like anyday now..hint hint. It's been 10mths and counting since we have been waiting.(Just a shout out to my agency CAN YOU HEAR ME, I'M READY) I can't believe how this time went kinda fast EXCEPT now time seems to be standing still. Baby where are you? I love you so much and I don't even know you? I ask myself what will I be like when I finally get THE CALL? Now what is this all about? Well THE CALL is the one that your social worker calls and tells you they have a baby for you and you review the call..It's similar to a 20wk ultrasound I guess. I mean you know you are going to have a baby but when you find out if it is a boy or girl it somehow feels MORE real. Dh and I were talking last night about camping with a little one next year! I'm so excited!!! With his job we have flexibility to not have to use daycare as much as we did with C and we can REALLY bond as a family. I won't be able to take 4 months off work--but I do plan on taking 12 weeks and I am very excited to have 3 months to be with my babies!!

I'm thankful to be working but I so wish I could be a stay at home mommy. I'm jealous of moms that get to see their children every morning and dance around in their PJ's. I hated having to wake my baby up get him dressed and shuffle him off to daycare for the WHOLE day. I know I will wonder what my baby is doing all day while I am at work. Granted I know that my employment has provided so many wonderful things and I am so thankful but in the end it really is just "Stuff." I think so many working parents feel this way and I know I struggle everyday with it.

So any adoption updates? No we are still WAITING.....tick tock tick tock

My Sweet Child

2009-09-15T13:00:00.003-07:00

"You had a journey to make, A trip to come through, To parents who were praying, And waiting for you."

As we reflect.....

2009-07-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

It has been a year since we decided to pursue international adoption! Last July 14, 2008 I sent my application in. Where has the past year gone? I feel as if I have been in this process for so much longer. I guess since 2005? Since my first loss, God has been leading me in this direction for some time. I just needed a few years to actually hear him.

Each day I fear asking for an update because things have been slow in my agency. They have actually said this is what they expected and they don't accept applications so families are waiting for years. We however, will have surpassed the year mark and it is likely to be much longer until our adoption is completed. I asked my SW yesterday if there was any updates and she indicated no, a couple babies are coming home in August. She also indicated that the family behind us has been told that they will not receive a referral until 2010. We have been waiting officially for a match since November 21, 2008. That marks over 8 months now and it appears that we are likely going to be closer to the 10 month mark before we get a referral.

This makes things a bit scary for us because South Korea only issues so many Visa's a year and our child will likely be ready to travel toward the end of the year and we could fall into the time frame when Korea says..nope no more VISA's until January 2010. I pray to GOD this does not happen. We don't want our baby to be waiting for us for a few months due to Visa problems. If we get a referral in October it will be okay as the baby will come home in 2010, but if we get a referral in August--different story. We still are getting close to the "hook" they call it.

I told dh this last night and he stated that he doesn't want to do the nursery because he doesn't want it to sit empty for so long...I'm broken hearted because FINALLY the waiting is getting to me.... I don't want to hang our Korean tree ordament on the tree for Christmas this year without our baby being home. I've been totally fine the past 8 months..and now the unknown is getting harder to swallow each day. God grant me the strength.....

Wait

2009-06-05T06:55:00.001-07:00

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign."

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see."

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

We are still plugging away...

2009-05-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

We are in the dreaded wait now. The one where everyone keeps asking, "Now, where are you guys at?" We are waiting for our match. The baby God has chosen to join our family. I've spent my days wondering how I might raise the remaining funds for our adoption. We have $2,000 more to go and I've been bargain shopping to help save some additional money for our adoption fees. This week I scored a crib in excellant condition at $35.00 dollars. It's a far cry from the cherry crib I have dreamt of, but the price was right and it converts to a daybed and has a nice mattress. It appears to be about 5 years old and is white. I figure it just saved us about $219.00 as I was planning on spending close to $300 for a 4 in 1 crib. The next things I need are..more cloth diapers, excersaucer, rocking chair, car seat, stroller and clothes!

I WISH my SIL would have held onto some of her things for the baby, I had asked her to but with them moving it was proving difficult to keep the clutter, so here I am out shopping the garage sale scene hoping to score some goods! We are planning a community dinner/fundraiser for June 20th and music in the evening as a BYOB event. I'm also planning a rummage sale for next weekend with my parents and hope that we have some GREAT sales!

So I continue to pray, pray for so many wonderful things in my life and I pray that North Korea will remain peaceful and not disrupt anything with our adoption and we can get our baby home soon! I pray that the light is at the end of the tunnel, I can see it from a distance and I pray that God blesses us with what we have been yearning for. I continue to cherish the moments I have with my son, knowing that our family dynamic will be changed soon and my new journey will begin. I pray that we hear something from the last of the grants we applied for. I also pray for all the children out there waiting to come home to their forever families~~

Jackie

Saying Good-Bye

2009-05-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

Is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The last thing I said to my Grandpa was "I'll see you later" I never said bye because I know someday we will be together again. I created this Montage in his memory for the memorial service. Some pictures are blurry but my Grandma really wanted them in there and I honored her wishes. I'll cherish our memories forever!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I-600A EQUALS I-171H APPROVAL!!

2009-04-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

After four long months and 2 (RFE) Requests for Evidence we have been granted the last piece of paperwork we had to have stamped with approval! I can't be too mad at the Detroit USCIS office but they did fail to email me after stating on the website they answer emails in 24-48 hours. Perhaps that person was laid off like the other 12% of the population in Michigan?

The good news is that we are ALL set and now we just wait for our referral! Which crossing our fingers should come in August! Woo HOO!!!

I was so happy when I got that little piece of mail last night!!!

2009-03-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Note to self-Rascal Flatts--HERE! When my baby comes home I am making a montage video for both of my children!!

This journey is NOT easy!

2009-03-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

I've heard from USCIS and I have to submit more paperwork. We have a bit of bump in the road but nothing that we can't handle. A case that was suppose to be dismissed over 20years ago is just kinda "hanging" out there with no final resolution. I'm working with an attorney to request the case be dismissed as it was suppose to be. This is my drama right now but I have been given 6 weeks to resolve this. It does not appear that it will affect our adoption in anyway but it's still a BUMP that I wish would go away.

I feel helpless sometimes because if correct paperwork is not filed....then we pay the price...

USCIS and Stuff

2009-02-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

I was hoping my next blog would be about our I-171H approval. Unfortunatly the only communication we have had with USCIS is that it took them 4 weeks to send a letter that states our Homestudy is incomplete because our SW did not sign it. Nevermind that it was notorized and signed by the agency director..apparently they want the same stuff they use for the I-800a. It's frustrating to say the least.

The other stuff I have going on is that I could just cry. Dh has been working for the same company for almost 2 years and TODAY after his boss said "We'll see what we can do regarding a raise" told us today that it's a "NO GO" I'm so frustrated because not only did his boss just buy a brand new truck with cash...is building a house and taking his second of two cruises in a month along with a hunting trip..says that he doesn't know where this economy is leading us. To me it sounds as if he is GREEDY! It angers me because he knows that Dh needs the job and isn't likely to leave because the hiring prospects are slim around here. I'm so sad because we have to make it on the 33 cent raise I got this year and with me taking 4 months off for the baby things are going to be exceptionally hard for us. Please pray that this works out.

On top of that I received an email that we were NOT chosen for a grant we applied for. Just more salt in the wound. I really have been so optomistic up until this point and now I am just so sad. It's a sad reality that we live in. I don't see things getting better.

Guess I better look at the classifieds and see if I can get a second job, along with school and my full-time job this should be real fun. But our family will survive this and in the end we won't even remember the heartache along the way.

New Beginnings

2009-01-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be amazing to add this video! I hope to someday be just like the Fawcett's to raise money and help unite families. The high cost of adoption should never be a barrier to nurturing and loving another human being. When the dust settles, this will become my mission, my goal and my dream. Please check out this video

Click here

Happy New Year and Blessings in 2009!

2009-01-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

This is the year!!! In 1999 I gave birth to my son and in 2009 my second child will arrive! I couldn't be more thrilled. We did our fingerprinting at the USCIS office on 12/23 and now we wait for the clearance to come through. This is the big FBI crimminal background check. Once that is all taken care of we are just waiting for the referral. So we filed the I-600A and now we wait for the USCIS to say we are fit to be parents of an orphan. The long dreaded wait for the I-171H or 797C approval is what we are waiting for. Below are a few pictures of the nursery we are doing. The wall color is Vanilla Creme and the theme is "Dragonflies" With Sage and Buttercup. Dh and I laughed because I ordered this bedding that I fell in love with and it was made by "Jo Jo" designs and dh's pet name for me is Jo Jo it was kinda funny!

Upate: So I figured I would add to this post and not start a new one as we still have not receive our I-171H. I emailed the USCIS office and they sent me a generic inquire only when it has been over 60 days. Well our application is dated 12/04 and we were fingerprinted on 12/23. I did find a typo in my homestudy which was the date of my marriage..it said 8/01 instead of 7/29. I am freaking that this will cause a hold up even though you have to send an I-600 drop the A again to USCIS when you receive your referral.

The date has been set!

2008-12-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

December 23rd we are to be at the USCIS office in Grand Rapids to get our fingerprints done. This is the final piece of the puzzle before we wait. Lots of families that are waiting are being told they will have an extended time frame. Dh and I are fine with that.

If anyone wants to donate to our adoption, please know that even a $1 is appreciated. You just have to click on the donate field on my blog or you could even mail a check to our family. We need to raise $3,000 for final expenses that won't be covered by our home equity loan. You can mail checks to:

Care of Jackie Abeyta
2200 Dendrinos Dr. Suite 101
Traverse City, MI 49643

USCIS--Here we go!

2008-12-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I sent my paperwork to USCIS and the next step is waiting for confirmation and a date/time to be fingerprinted. Woo Hoo! I'll be sending the Agency fee next week and then we wait...wait some more...and then we wait :) I'll be focusing on Christmas, the New Year and the remainder of my classes! I keep freaking that I am actually graduating...I filled my audit card out last week and it felt amazing. I am so proud of myself for actually sticking with this and getting through it.

As I leave 2008 behind, I have so much to reflect on. The last three years have been so full of sorrow, pain and unbelievable joy. I've watched my friends become families of four. when just three years ago they were a family of two. I've seen my precious nephew turn 3, born 5 days before my due date would have been. But I also see hope, several "virtual" friends have gotten pregnant after many years of failed treatments and it proves miracles happen everyday. L and I are still holding on to the idea that someday, maybe we will get to experience that again. We just aren't going to force it. I have so much excitement as I realize how special our family is to be chosen to build our family through adoption. God has meant this for us and we are joyfully waiting with anticipation for the child that he has chosen for us.

A family is being united December 9th, they are being escorted by other adopting fathers..super cool! With this trip the rumor has it that they will be bringing along referrals..and who knows our referral could be in there..That would put us at the 4mth mark as they probably wouldn't refer until February...I'm not holding my breath but I can always dream!

As things develop, I will be writing more and posting pictures. I'd like to begin giving a background of South Korea, culture and why birth parents make the most unselfsh decision a human can make, the decision to give their child a better life. We must always respect the birth parents and remember them with kindness as they are the reason our children are here.

Merry Christmas,

Brother can you spare a dollar?

2008-11-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

I got my agency bill yesterday and I quickly closed the email. Took a deep breath and realized that I knew I would be getting it, I just didn't know I would be getting it before Christmas. Merry Christmas! I should be getting my home study so I can file the I-600A paperwork. The filing fee has gone up since my application..thanks to the Federal Government. I have to pay $830.00 for the Immigration office to fingerprint us to file a one page application. I know it is one step closer to my baby, but it is also one step closer to being completely insanely "tapped" out. Many adoptive parents don't discuss the cost associated with adoption but I feel that people should be made aware of how much of a financial commitment this really is. I'm already setting myself up to work weekends nights while I am on FMLA, I'll be exhausting my vacation time and praying that co-workers have hours they would be willing to donate. Things are beginning to feel very real tight now and I am not gonna lie, I'm going to borrow funds with the intent of paying them back during our "wait."

I go to bed at night and pray that my friends will step it up, help me in a time of need. L and I have planned so many benefits for our friends and donated so much time to other causes, I hope and pray that God will lend us some light. I spent a day at the homeless shelter talking to families that truly know what it feels to be down and out and I have nothing to complain about compared to their situations. My husband asked me today "if we were getting in over our heads." I handle all the financial aspects of our family and I actually had to think, is my vision so focused on the end result that I will do anything possible to acheive it and by doing so am I skewing my reality? Can I really afford this?

My mind is telling me YOU CAN DO THIS, I have never been one to accept NO as the final answer and being unable to give birth to another child was no enough that I'm not willing to let something as material as $ stop me. Although, I still have to find it. Maybe I have a long lost rich relative that is willing to help me, if your out there...I'm right here.

So enough of the sad story stuff, it is coming to be Thanksgiving and I do have much to be thankful for, I have a job, dh has a job, we are officially waiting for a referral, ds made the honor roll and I know if my heart this will all work out. The agency has gone through our finances and they approved us so it can't just be me that believes. But next week I will be writing the check...the second bigger one....the one for over 7K to the agency and trying to find the $830, I am short for our fingerprints. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated!

Clearance!

2008-11-21T08:25:00.000-08:00

We got the clearance and the official word! We are now able to file our I-600A, immigration fingerprinting paperwork. So I just need to write a check for $830 to the United States Immigration Office and wait for them to notify me of the date/time to do the fingerprints. Once that is done--everything on our end is DONE! We just wait for our baby to be matched with us!

I am getting super excited and can't believe that this seems to be happening for us! Years of trying to have a baby and now we are one step closer. Thanksgiving is going to truly be wonderful this year. I'll be placing an ornament on our tree this year in honor of our baby that will be coming into our arms next year. On April 19th 2005 I experienced my first miscarriage as we come upon our fourth anniversary of our 1st lost that changed me forever, I have something of a renewed hope to look forward to.

I'm praying to god that he our she finds us soon. We are waiting for you will open hearts and lots of love.

Letting go of Control

2008-11-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

When I chose adoption I knew I would have to learn how to let go of control. I'll admit I am a person that likes to be in control. It doesn't help that I am currently writing my senior thesis, taking three classes and working full-time. Saturdays are devoted to my son's basketball games and Sunday is generally "cleaning" day. It's really the only day I can devote to my house. Working and class for over 12 hours a day is really starting to burn me out. Thank goodness December 10th is almost here! This will be the end of the madness since I am taking 2 online classes next semester and then I will be done. Well I do have my "Research Methods" class in summer but that is 6weeks and it is not a big deal. I AM GRADUATING IN MAY! It has been a long time coming but I have finally done this! I'll have my second degree and feel the sense of accomplishment I have been longing for.

The part that I am having the most difficult time with is the WAITING for my SOCIAL WORKER to write my homestudy. This part is driving me crazy. I know it is a lot of work but our last meeting was October 17th and it is November 7th today and I still have not heard from her. She gave us our verbal approval but I'm not on the list until it is written up. Apparently, she has to do the agency newletter and once this is done she will then do my homestudy. She PROMISED we would be on the list this month. It just breaks my heart to see families pass us on the list even after they started after us. But I guess this is the control I have to let go. I'm told that the Korean program does not have a lot of families going on the list so it shouldn't be a big deal or extend our time. I'm not sure I believe that since I have found lots of families online that are using the same agency for the Korean program. Seems like lots of families are requesting a girl as well. Breathe! I tell myself, Relax...I have no control and my child will be selected by God when the time is right...They say 7-9mths wait time for referral. I still wishing for a 2009 baby.

Now find the silver lining right..Yes, the silver lining is that I will have more time to save $ and pay even more of the adoption expenses out of pocket instead of depleting my home equity loan. This is the silver lining and I am okay with waiting, I just want to be waiting on the list. I have my USCIS paperwork filled out, signed and waiting to send my homestudy in so we can do our fingerprinting...but I need the HOMESTUDY! Someone give me some words of wisdom here and remind me to LET GO OF THE CONTROL.

I guess after so many IF treatments letting go is not as easy as I thought. I like doing the paperwork and sending my pieces in to the agency and since I have nothing else to send it I am finding that the wait is harder then I imagined.

Birth Control pills are not helping either...Imagine the irony of an infertile having to take birth control...now that is funny.

What do they say? Oh yeah PAPER PREGNANT!

2008-10-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's official we got approval last night, signed out contracts and now we are PAPER PREGNANT! Still no word on the referral time. SW said that she would know more about the second week in November. I'm not really worried about the wait..I look at it as an opportunity for dh and I to work our butts off and save..save..save! So things are looking good and hopefully by this time next year if all goes well we have a new son or daughter.

Names-Dh and I have been going around and around with names, the latest dh mentioned was "Zander" (cringe) But at least we get to focus on names and nursery..two things that we have not been able to think about for some time. Perhaps we will keep the name secret until he/she is home. :)

Homestudy Approved!!!

2008-10-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

We have our homestudy approval!! Woo Hoo! Now we are told that we will be on "The List" in November. I will ask next week when we sign the homestudy what the approximate referral time is, but today I am rejoicing in the fact that we are approved! I had no worries really about being approved, I just knew how "scary" the thought of a homestudy is. To all you potential adoptive parents out there...homestudies are really nothing to be scared about. I feel like I have a strong bond with our social worker and am blessed to have her sharing in our journey.

I don't know how long the wait will be, but I know now that I can start to change my spare room into a nursery. Hopefully, this and my classes will help the time to referral fly by, I know the real wait will begin once the referral is accepted and we have to wait for our little one to come home in our arms.!!!

I'm so elated that this is the process I chose to pursue instead of Invitro, this journey is so right for my family. I can't imagine doing fertility treatments anymore...my sadness has been lifted!

Our baby will be joining us next year sometime!

Songs

2008-09-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm teaching myself Korean..I'm starting with nursery rhymes first. I hope that when we can send a care package that I can tape record this and send it to my baby while he/she is waiting to come home. This hopefully will be another aid to comfort our baby while he/she grieves the loss of his/her foster mom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33lq55emAR0

There are three bears in a houseDaddy Bear, Mommy Bear, Baby BearDaddy Bear is fat (tung tung hae)Mommy bear is slim (nal sin hae)Baby Bear is so cute (nomu gui yo wo)`U Su (Raising one's shoulders)', Doing right

From what we sing, it's like this:

Gome sey ma lee ga,
Ahn gee bay ee so
Appa Goom, Omma Goom, Ey-gee goom
Appa Goom moon, d/tung d/tung hae
Omma Goom moon, nal shin hae
Agi Goom moon, no-mu gui yo woh
U-Su, U-su, s/chal han da.

Attachment Issues

2008-09-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

I've been teetering back and forth about how much time I should or can take off. My employer will give me a year of unpaid leave. This is fantastic except that is 48 weeks without my paycheck and we are a two income family. I've creatively thought about working part time, two days a week after 6 months, because my contract allows for this type of transition back to work after adoption. This would be some income and would be helpful but it still creates issues with how we will care for our child. My son was fortunate to spend many days with my mom as I went back to work when he was 2 weeks old. He developed a close bond with her and I remember when I would pick him up at times he would cry. I never realized that those early days could affect our lasting attachment. Today, ds is attached to me and I don't foresee any attachment issue there.

However, my adopted child will have gone through a more traumatic experience, new country, new family, new brother and we will have to work very hard to bond with him/her. Attachment is not one of those things that just happens because you love someone, it actually has to be developed as trust is created. I know that parent trainings on attachment are one way that we are going to be able to be equipped with the tools necessary to form our "forever" family. My hope is that family and friends will understand this need and know that we are not keeping our child in exile for the first few months..but that visits will be limited. I've included an article that outlines this more specifically and my hope is that everyone will understand why these first months are crucial to the development of our child.

Emotional Age- Many attachment professionals agree that the emotional age of a child at placement is set back to zero months. It is important to always consider the emotional age of your child and not the chronological age. Emotionally, your baby needs regression in order to go through the attachment process with his forever mommy and daddy. Baby that baby! Stay Home Stick close to home and avoid the revolving door of visitors until the baby has had time to adjust and learn who his parents are. Remember, you are strangers to this baby. He has not been waiting a long time for you. When the time comes to introduce the baby to family and friends, it is best to limit holding to Mother and Father. Meet Baby's Needs Quickly and ConsistentlyAllow baby to see you and be held by you as much as she needs to feel safe and comfortable.

Respond to all cries immediately while being both calm and loving--no matter what time it is or what you are in the middle of doing. Use Skin on Skin Contact
Bathe with baby
Carry in arms or in carrier without lots of clothing between Mommy and baby
Routine massages (morning and night) using lotion
Scents Use the same lotion as baby. One baby brand we like carries a lavender (calming) and vanilla scent.
BottlesKeep bottles as an attachment tool for as long as possible.

Bottles should always be given in mother's arms while encouraging eye contact. Some babies have a hard time with eye contact. In this case, place your rocker in front of a large mirror so she can still see Mommy taking care of her.

Sleep It is best to sleep while the baby sleeps so that you are alert and available for his waking hours. Co-sleeping is recommended, but expect that it may take some getting used to. Co-SleepingA valuable attachment tool, co-sleeping has helped families continue the bonding process throughout the night. Use a Baby

Carrier Carry your baby close to you as long and as often as possible.
Routines As your baby adjusts to the many changes, find a schedule in which you can begin to incorporate routines. Consistent routines help a baby predict what will happen next and help him feel safer.
Interact Use every opportunity to make eye contact and enjoy your baby.

Interact and play during bottle time, mealtime, floor time, bath time, etc. Make interacting a large part of your day. Some babies have trouble with eye contact or face-to-face interaction. In these cases, sit with her in front of a large mirror so she can still see the delight and joy in your eyes while playing in a less threatening way.
Games Playing games that focus the baby's attention on Mommy and Daddy like peek-a-boo and "Where's Mommy?" help establish over and over who the important caretakers in her life are now. Singing and Nursery
Rhymes We sing familiar songs with attachment-friendly lyrics.

Rock a bye baby, in the treetop,When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,And Mommy will catch you, cradle and all.Make up lyrics using familiar songs that have the child's name in it and the fact that you are his forever mommy. Sing during bottle time and on car rides. Examples (to the tune of "Are You Sleeping?"):
I love baby, sweet sweet baby,Joshua, Joshua I will be your mommy, forever always mommy,Joshua, Joshua Mommy loves you, Mommy loves you,Yes she does, yes she does,Mommy loves Johnny. Mommy loves Johnny.Yes, she does. Yes, she does.Some nursery rhymes need a little tweaking:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.She had so many children she knew just what to do.She gave them some broth. She gave them some bread.She gave hugs and kisses and tucked them in bed.
Books Select from the list in Books for Children, or make your own:

Take pictures of Mommy and baby doing daily activities together: eating, bottle feeding, sleeping, playing, rocking, dancing, hugging, etc… Compile the photos in a mini photo album. Look through the book frequently, making comments such as, "Your good mommy is feeding you a bottle" or "Your good mommy is rocking you. You're safe with Mommy." Family and Friends Because of separation from birth mother and at least one foster mother, often the baby may be waiting for the next caregiver to come along. Once the baby has had time to adjust to all of the different changes and learn who Mom and Dad are, it is often helpful to not only use family members and friends to run errands, cook meals, help keep house, etc. but to help them to always redirect the baby back to Mommy and Daddy. This will help establish that these two people are the primary caregivers and the most important people in his life.

A few months after my son came home, it was clear that he was waiting for his next mommy to come and take him away. He even began to do a lot of "mommy shopping" and would make cute noises for other women and reach out to strange and random women no matter where we were. During play dates he made it his mission to sit in another mother's lap and not mine. To the rest of the world he looked very social, happy, and personable.

Our friends and family were thrilled, each thinking they had a special relationship with our son, but little did they know he would have just as happily gone to a complete stranger. Allowing this behavior to continue was allowing my son to continue to avoid me, his forever mommy, reinforcing that mommies are replaceable. I needed to prove otherwise. Upon seeing an attachment therapist one of the first things we had to work on was his lack of stranger anxiety and his use of other women to avoid an attachment to me. We taught all of our friends and family members whom we saw often to redirect his attention back to me immediately. Instead of allowing him to reach for Grandma and focus on her, Grandma would instead say "Hello, Johnny. I am your grandma. Where is your mommy? There she is. Mommy takes care of Johnny." And she would physically turn him around to go back to me. Exchanges like this continued for a long time until he knew I was his mommy and I was the one who took care of him. This is something that can be done from day one to help the baby learn and accept who Mommy and Daddy are and that they are forever. The baby cannot have a true relationship with anyone else until he has a healthy attachment with his mother and then father first.

FAQ: Why can't other people hold my baby? So many people have waited for our child as long as we did. How can I hurt their feelings and not let them hold our baby?
While every child is different, here is our experience. Our son came off the plane happy, smiling, and laughing. He was a beautiful and happy sixth-month-old. We planned on not letting anyone hold the baby until we felt he adjusted. Well, he looked very well-adjusted from the get-go. Everything made him happy and he took to everything so easily. Carseat, stroller, crib, new bottles, new formula, sleeping through the night…everything was so easy to introduce to him. What a happy, easy baby! And boy did he love people! It even said so in his pre-flight report. He seemed so happy and so willing to go to his grandparents, aunts, and uncles...a lot of people were waiting anxiously for this baby along with us. He seemed to adjust so well that we threw away the no holding policy and let close family members hold him earlier than we expected. He was not passed around nor held for long periods of time, but he was very loving and seemingly unaffected by the exposure to multiple family members. As time went on our son distanced himself more and more from me, his mother, but still went happily to everyone else. I was his primary caretaker and doing a lot to promote bonding, but he avoided me more and more in ways that seemed innocent but didn't feel right to me. By the time he was home four months, he was not happy when I fed him, changed him, held him, gave him a bottle or anything that required me caring for him. By this time he completely ignored my existence and became a full-time mommy shopper. He learned lots of interesting tricks to get the attention of other women. This child would have willingly left with a complete stranger from the grocery store and never would have looked back. Meanwhile, everyone else continued to see a baby who was so easy and sweet and good and loving...I did not see that child because when it was just the two of us, he avoided me and pushed me away. It was very painful and I thought at first it had something to do with me not being a good mother...I know that is not the case now. We had our son evaluated by an attachment therapist at ten months old. We learned that he was sensitive to the attachment process. Basically, he had the opinion of been there, done that...mommies are not trustworthy, mommies leave, I will pick my own mommy...I am safe when I control who takes care of me. From that point on no one held our son until he was out of the avoidant stage. We trained family and friends how to redirect our son back to me so I was no longer the mean lady taking him away from the loves of his life....any other woman. It took about three months of no one holding him and everyone redirecting him to Mommy, including Daddy. This was very hard on some family members who did not understand, but who would blame them? After all, he always looked happy to them. They didn't see what went on when potential mommies were not around. Because my son was sensitive to the attachment process, allowing anyone, including the grandmothers who waited as anxiously as we did, to hold him for even a few minutes was confusing because he did not know or accept that I am his mommy and I am the one who will take care of him forever. It was a lot of hard work, really hard work that might not have been so hard had I stuck to the original plan. So even if they look happy and well-adjusted, try to remember, you are a stranger to this child. Not all children will react like my son, but since we don't know for sure--and remember it was a few months before our son began to push me away--I highly recommend that you put the baby's emotional health before the feelings of family members who do not live with you. (a. 6mo, FC)

Another adoptive mom shares her story:
I am hoping not to offend anyone -- just wanting to share our experiences with no holding. We have three children adopted from Korea. With our first two, we did very little reading about attachment and thought we would just love our children to pieces and all would be well. Our first two arrived at 4 1/2 months of age. My husband is from a large family; they love to pass the baby and believe the child should be content and snuggle with each one. This is what our two sons experienced soon after their arrival - - one struggled and cried and the other seemed indifferent. I felt sad and sick after each visit. With our third adoption, our daughter was 6 1/2 months at arrival. Before her arrival, we read about and researched attachment. I asked our social worker about no holding for six weeks. She said she had seen wonderful transitions with those who had done this. With the loss and uncertainty our children have experienced before coming to us, not allowing others to hold our child made sense. Before our daughter's arrival, we informed family and friends that we would be the only ones to hold our daughter for six weeks. Because we had allowed our first two to be held, we explained that our daughter was older and we felt we needed to do this to help with her adjustment and attachment. We knew some might not be accepting, yet it wasn't about what other people needed; this was what our child needed. Our daughter's adjustment has been remarkable in comparison to our sons'. We can't know if this was due to no holding initially, personality, or the other attachment methods we have implemented. Our daughter was never anxious and upset when others visited during those first weeks. Our sons were. My seventy-year-old father was so struck by the difference in adjustment with our third child, he remarked that maybe we shouldn't be so anxious to let others hold our daughter after six weeks! (a. 4.5mo, 4.5mo, 6.5mo, FC)

FAQ: Why should we pick our daughter up every time she cries? Won't this spoil her? Until there is a more secure and healthy attachment, which takes many months and in some children even longer, it is important to meet needs quickly and consistently until the baby learns that you are the one who takes care of her and keeps her safe. Learning to trust that you are the forever mommy and daddy takes a lot of time and reassurance. Picking her up every time she expresses a need to be held proves to her that you will always take care of her and you are trustworthy. Even children adopted in the early days or months of life may struggle with trust. FAQ: Shouldn't my baby be weaned from bottles when he's one year old?Think of your child in terms of being emotionally as old as the number of months he's been home. If your child has only been home 5 months, ask yourself if you would wean a five-month-old baby from bottles. In your child's case, the bottle is a valuable attachment tool. He should be having his bottles in your arms while you hold the bottle and encourage eye contact. He should not be holding the bottle himself nor having it anywhere other than in your arms. All other drinks can come from a sippy cup but bottle time is still valuable for forming a healthy and secure bond between mother and child. It isn't unusual for children with attachment impairments to continue using bottles (with mom) for several years. Pediatricians are often concerned about teeth. Be sure to brush and/or wipe teeth with a washcloth after each bottle. FAQ: We tried co-sleeping but my baby doesn't like it and sleeps better in the crib. Isn't it better that he can sleep through the night?Many babies adopted internationally from foster care backgrounds have slept with their foster moms. When they arrive home, forever families are often perplexed by their sleep choices. They seem to prefer sleeping alone. Why the apparent change in behavior? Sleep is a close and intimate experience. Children with attachment issues do not handle intimate experiences well and push away even in their sleep.
Our son slept beautifully in his crib for the first four months. We assumed he was a baby who adjusted easily and liked his space. Four months later the anxiety he felt began to come out in his sleep through night terrors, nightmares, frequent waking, etc… It turned out that the four months he slept beautifully was avoidant behavior. Because of the sleep and attachment issues our attachment therapist recommended co-sleeping. It was very hard for a long time. He thrashed, kicked, tossed and turned, and cried out in his sleep all night long. He also tried to sleep as far away from me as possible. He definitely slept better without me but I stuck it out. It took a good six weeks before co-sleeping felt like it was successful. He now sleeps very peacefully and rolls into my body during the night and in the morning for comfort. Co-sleeping has had a profound and extremely positive effect on his attachment to me. I feel as though it has helped us to "gel". I can now tell while he's sleeping if he's experiencing any heightened anxiety and am better able to address behaviors the following day. (a. 6mo, FC) We tried to co-sleep when our son arrived, knowing that his foster mother had slept with him. He would wake up repeatedly, often startling. We finally decided that we must be waking him up so we moved him to his crib. He continued to have some trouble. On the advice of our adoption social worker, we let him cry-it-out a couple of times. After a few nights, he settled in and slept wonderfully by himself. Ten months later, the night terrors and nightmares began. Twelve months after homecoming we figured out that he had an attachment problem. At age two, on the advice of attachment professionals, we began to co-sleep. It took about six weeks to succeed. Co-sleeping has been a wonderful bonding experience. In some ways it has reminded me of the intimacy achieved with my bio children through breastfeeding. Something about co-sleeping helps to regulate the child and helps the parent to more clearly understand where the child is in the attachment process. Only wish we'd have stuck with it in the beginning. (a. 5.5mo, FC) FAQ: My baby is very big. Why should I carry him?For attachment purposes it is very important to carry the baby, especially when he first comes home. By using a carrier that keeps the baby physically close, he is able to experience more face to face time and eye contact, feel the warmth of the mother and learn her scent, and use the mother to help him regulate which will in turn help the child to self-regulate. Because babies are older and do not hold onto the parent, they often feel extremely heavy and difficult to carry. A good carrier that is front facing (facing mother), does not have material between the child and mother, is made for older/heavier babies, and is suited for long wear, makes carrying a lot easier on the mother. The Ergo is one of our favorite carriers. FAQ: Should I show my child photos of his foster mother? Why?Yes. Some children will find comfort from seeing photos of his foster family. Others may grieve. But, in both cases, the child will be able to experience his feelings--good or bad--in the safety and security of his adoptive parent's arms.
At the age of 13 months, my son was miserable and had been for several days. Then we looked at pictures of his foster family. The whining stopped. And he just looked intently through the album. He'd turn the pages quickly when there weren't foster family or pictures of us, his adoptive parents. He'd carefully study photos with any of his parents. He looked studious, and sentimental, but not heartbroken. Then, on one page, he leaned in and kissed his foster mom's photo. After the pictures, he was sad and a bit whiney, but could be comforted by me easily. We keep the album where he can look at it anytime, but never when we aren't around since we don't want him to be lonely/sad without our comfort. He goes through it frequently. (a. 6mo,FC) I got out the album from his foster mom and showed it to my son. HE LOVED IT!! He pointed and smiled and laughed but not in a way to shut me out. We must have looked at it for 15 minutes (which is long for him to sit with a book). The best part was my baby came back! He was pleasant all day and even started calling me "Mam" which he seemed to stop doing the last 2 weeks. I had to take the other kids out last night and I leaned down and said, "Mommy needs to go bye bye, I love you and Mommy will be back." Instead of pitching a fit he smiled and gave me a kiss! All I know is something changed and the only thing that was different was the album. When I got home at 8:30 he was in bed but awake. I scooped him up and rocked him and he smiled and snuggled in. What a way to end the night. (a. 6mo, FC)

We Made It! Phew!

2008-09-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

For everyone waiting to have the first initial homestudy visit..for those of you cleaning every dust bunny and scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush..STOP! I know easier said then done. We had our first initial meeting today and it was PAINLESS! We laughed and talked and went over the nitty gritty of our adoption plan. The logistics and the process. I was nervous and pacing before the SW came to our home. The dog didn't even bark as she pulled in the driveway. I'm not even sure she realized we have a dog. I have told her on a prior occasion. For two hours we just talked..oh yeah and the walk through our home was about 3 minutes..seriously! To think I spent the last week cleaning, cleaning and cleaning..it was so uneccessary. I laugh about it now! We have our next three meetings scheduled and depending on where we are..we could be done by the 2nd week in October.. HOLY MOLY!!!

I have some things to do between now and our next visit..dh did great by the way! I think I was more nervous about his first impression..but he was just as engaged as me. Sometimes he tends to listen more then speak..which is not a bad thing! So maybe by Christmas we will be officially waiting. We have to fill out the form regarding medical issues we are willing to accept, this is aside from premature birth and Hepatitis B which are already a risk and dh and I were made aware of this before we applied. This is more about the possibility of our willingness to accept a referral that may have a correctable need. Dh and I will discuss this in length about what we would be okay with. Some are minor things like birthmarks while others are more involved like CP. We will ask God for guidance here.

In closing we have three more visits scheduled and ds needs to be involved in one of those. We will have the opportunity to read, learn and grow more as we venture deeper in this process. I think at the beginning of November may be a good time to include the rest of my extended family in our news. Especially when the homestudy is finally done. So here we are..4 years later and the dream of another baby. I didn't think it would ever happen for me. As anyone who has had a miscarriage can agree it is the time between sorrow, pity and anger that we ask God what we did to deserve this. As my journey unfolds the picture of why is beginning to become more clear.

Home Study Scheduled

2008-08-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

We have our first homestudy meeting on Sept 9th at 1:00pm for about two hours. I have made arrangements to leave work for the two hours and then to go back. Because this will be the first week of school things are busy at work and finding time off is becoming more of a challenge. I'm excited and this has really motivated dh to continue working on the basement. We got another wall done last night. It's really coming together. Although our SW said it is fine to be working on our home...hey the basement has been an eight year work in progress! :)

So this weekend is the week that I tell my parents--I'm hoping that they will not be in a total state of shock and know that this is really how we have decided to build our family. I used to write poetry before I was labeled an infertile....and I am slowy coming back to being able to journal and write poetry. I've always found this to be the most amazing outlet and I wanted to write a poem to share with my parents that we are expecting...through KOREA! I had visions of them coming over and going to the spare bedroom where we have the crib set up and walking over seeing a referral picture of our baby in the crib with a big SURPRISE we are expecting again!!! This time our baby will have to travel the world before he/she is home.

I haven't quite come up with a poem yet...nothing seems to be coming together..but finally my home has a calmness to it..I've left the anxiety and sadness of the "not knowing" behind and finally have something to look forward to. I'm going to by a Mommy Again in 2009!!!!

If you have ideas on how to announce our adoption plans...please let me know. I'd love a creative way to share our good news!

Jackie

APPROVED!!!

2008-08-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

APPROVED!!!! Official word today!!! We have been approved! OMG! Next year I am gonna have a new baby!!!!

I have to inform my boss on Friday just because I am nice and since I plan on taking 12 weeks off they will need to have a replacement lined up for me...I talked about the possiblility of working from home and this is something that they are entertaining...That would be nice, otherwise I will have to come back and do 3 months of back work!!! But I'm not worrying about that since I focusing on one step at a time and today we celebrate because we have approval!!!! I'm still hoping for a referral by Christmas!!! I'm wondering how far off I will be.

But hey--next summer off would be fantastic too!!

Jackie

Woo Hoo--Hurdle #1

2008-08-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, Yes we are in the beginning stages but I am so happy to report that our Application is now in the hands of FAC. I met with our SW yesterday at a meeting and it was just me and her. I loved being about to ask so many questions and to have her full attention..I feel spoiled a bit. I felt SO SO comfortable with her too. Our paths have crossed before as she used to work for the company that I work for but ended her employment prior to me starting but it was fun to talk about all the people we knew from work. She shared a great deal with me and also said as an adoptive parent and mom of Korean daughters she is more then willing to share all of her experiences with dh and I. I am SO glad that we have someone that lives down the road from us and that has gone through what we are about to embark on. I told her that I knew it was important for me to collect all the tools I can to make sure I can offer my child everything he/she needs to feel complete in our family. SW also told us that she feels this process can be complete by next year...I was fully thinking 2010..but no..2009 may be our lucky year!! And babies are coming home around 10mths!

I hope that I can be a successful adoptive parent..I know that I am a good mom but the bonding experience will be so different with our little one. SW explained that babies have to be in the orphanage for 5 months and at times there can be 50 babies and 3 workers..I worried about attachment issues..since babies will then go to foster care when they are 5 months and we will receive our referral there. SW assured me that the babies are well taken care of and talked and played with..I can only imagine 50 little ones just waiting to be loved..it breaks my heart. SW also said that this agency KSS is the smallest Korean agency and that because of this the babies get more individualized attention then the three large Korean Orphanages.

On a side note, I did stumble across something that worried me..dh's physical had an HBA1C test marked as abnormal...this is the 3 month blood test to indicate if your sugar is being metabolized correctly... His metabolic panel came back normal though...dh has diabetes in his family and apparently the the number has to be below 5% to be excellent..dh's came through at 6.4% which is not diabetic or even close, but enough to be above the reference range. I was so upset that the Dr took the test from January 08 and used that on our adoption form instead of requesting a new blood test, since his could now be in the normal range and the fact that he NEVER told dh about it..just said he wanted to watch it..HELLO..watch until he is a diabetic or scare the crap out of him to lose weight and watch what he eats.....or wait until it gets worse. I'm just frustrated because the DR is so passive regarding this..so dh will be finding a new primary care giver and getting back in the gym. I on the other hand may be unable to carry babies but I am in picture perfect health :)

So now we wait....I hope the approval comes soon!

Can you say Mountains??

2008-07-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

I know that everyone told me how much paperwork was involved but I don't think I really grasped the concept. There is a TON! My letters of recommendation are out and my application is complete, I've gathered all the appropriate employment and insurance verification forms as well as started my self study questions. I've done one set that equated into 11 single typed pages..I don't know how dh (darling husband) is going to get through it. He seems to be overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork involved and I told him that you don't just get to purchase a child..it involves work..kinda like being pregnant for 9 months. I think he got it.

So far I have had nothing but positive support and once we are accepted and our file is open for our homestudy I will tell my parents. I'm sure they will be supportive but it also means that they will need to accept I will not have another biological child. I have 4 chairs at my kitchen table and I always intended to fill each of them. 2 children is the max. I feel so at peace with my decision and can't wait for my journey to get into full swing. I pray that we will have a referral before christmas--(wishing here) and that I can send my news to my family that we are EXPECTING....FROM KOREA. I can't wait for that day. I have begun to have good dreams and I take these a signs from God that everything will work out. I've been crunching numbers and know that we will need to do some fundraising in order to not sink financially through this process. Once the homestudy is complete I plan on checking out books and books at the library and filling my time with applying for grants and scholarships for our adoption. Anyway, back to my dream..I saw in my dream that dh and I had a little boy..he was born February 12th and since my bio son was born on February 13th we were talking about how it would be so easy to have birthday's. Our child arrived home in November..I saw the calendar in my dream!!! Gives me hope--I did not see the year so I can only imagine it was 2009! I just hope it is before ds (darling son) turns 11.

I am so glad that my agency is so responsive..I send emails and get a response the same day!! Not to mention my SW (social worker) lives down the road. I know many of you reading blogs know what these abbriviations mean but in the event that my grandma reads this I thought I would help her out.

So after next week I have my physical and then we send in the application with the first large installment..$1750.00. Then we wait for the approval which could take 7-10 days. I am not worried since our preliminary application was approved and I can't see why we wouldn't be approved for our official application it's just the waiting that I know will be the hardest!

More to come..
J

Great Idea

2008-07-18T07:56:00.001-07:00

One of my online FF members suggested setting up my paypal account to accept donations. I have a paypal account for my ebay transactions and didn't realize how easy it was to set up. Jennifer's right, every little bit helps. I have always felt weird about asking people for donations or for money my entire life. However, this is an event in my life that I plan on opening up to the world about. I am an Infertility Survivor, and I won't let IF hold me back from my dreams. If you choose to donate, please know how forever grateful I am to you. A simple "THANK YOU" is not truly enough and I can't express in words how your generosity is appreciated. God knows that this road is going to be tough and IF treatments were always based on what $$ I had and what I could afford. Adoption is going to be different. My road to my baby is straight and I plan on traveling that road with hope and optimism. My heart is yearning to be a "new" mom again. I have so much love to give that I feel a sense of peace in our decision to adopt. Again, I won't ask for donations but if your heart desires please feel free to add to our adoption fund.

The beginning

2008-07-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start this blog for my friends and family. I plan to use this blog as a way to communicate the excitement, struggles, ups and downs of our adoption process. Most will ask why are you adopting? Many of my family and friends do not know of our struggle to have another child. L and I have been through many fertility treatments, IUIs, tests and procedures. Each test has left us with nothing... except that they are all normal. I have been trying to have a 2nd baby since 2006 and along the way I have experienced three pregnancy losses. It is because of these losses that I just can't put myself through anymore treatment. My RE (specialist) tells me I am an excellent candidate for IVF, but there are no guarantees. Adoption has always been something that L and I have wanted to do and it feels right that God has lead us to this journey. L and I decided to pursue International Adoption to add and complete our family. We feel like most expectant parents--we won't know until our referral if we have a boy or a girl. If we have a girl her name will be Alivia Grace (Korean Name here). Yes, we have selected South Korea as our adoption country. We sent our paperwork last Friday to FAC and were notified of our acceptance in the program on Tuesday. I know not everything will be this fast..Our Formal application will come by next week and with our physicals scheduled we should be able to send this application in for approval and start the homestudy process. How exciting! I am not worried too much about the homestudy because L and I know in our hearts that we are good parents and we are good people. I've been corresponding with our SW for the past year and this feels right..now is the time. We carefully weighed our options and this is not our PLAN B, but is actually our Plan A. IVF would be our last resort. Our SW, Cher also said that our timing was perfect as placements for 2008-2009 are still open. They had been closed and opened back up because they expect more referrals then they initially thought! We could have our baby in 2009! Now many of you will ask lots of questions and I'll try and answer a few. Our SW has been doing this since 1986 and has two grown Korean daughters. This has given me a lot peace knowing that she has been through this many times. Our child will most likely be 8-12mths before joining our family. Korea is trying to phase out International Adoption and promote domestic adoption within, so children must be 5mths old at referral. L and I are absolutely fine with this as we have both had the opportunity to be pregnant and raise a newborn, for this we are forever grateful to god.

L, myself and C all had a family talk and given that C is only 9yrs old I wanted to find out how he felt about International Adoption, we laughed when he said, "Will this baby be my step brother or sister?" after some brief explanation and laughs together.. as a family we decided that International Adoption was right for us. I feel blessed that C is old enough to understand and his excitement is comforting. I have told my co-worker at this point as I need a reference letter and I was dying to tell someone. She has been a great comfort through my losses and treatments. I have not shared this news with family or friends other then my FF friends. I want to wait until the acceptance of our homestudy and when we are "officially" waiting or "paper pregnant." This is mostly to avoid the questions, "Are we there yet." This journey is going to be long and has ups and downs along the way, I can accept that I will not have control and must take one step at a time. It is because of this, I wish to hold onto our "secret" until our approval is granted. I hope those of you that I have waited to tell understand. Lastly, YES, this is a huge financial commitment and L and I have talked long and hard about this aspect. We have it figured out and with a little creative fundraising hope to offset some our our costs. My employer with contribute 3K and the Federal Tax credit will help immensely, still we will incur some debt but as any mother will tell you, "It's all worth it in the end."

I hope that you will join me on my journey and support my family as we GROW.

Lots of love,
J